life story
There was once a girl. She was afraid of something, really afraid. And that thing was with her ever since she could remember. That thing was like a ghost, following her everywhere no matter where she went, no matter what she did.
When she was very young, she figured that love was the solution. Love, hmmmm! She knew that her family didn't love her. She knew because no one ever felt or understood. Her mother was all over her younger brother, but never her. She just silently accepted. She didn't even exist for her mother. Oh yes, I am sorry. She existed only when her mother wanted to scold her or beat her.
In her younger days, that girl loved her father. But as she grew up, she started seeing the real face of her father which was hidden from world. He was a coward and an emotional abuser. He had a love marriage, only to find his wife never good enough for him and his family. Even his kids were not good enough for him. And her brother, what brother?
She thought that so what if she couldn't find love and acceptance in her home, she would find it outside. She was an intelligent kid. She knew that people only loved those people who cared for them. She had a very simple wish that people cry when she died. So she planned to become rich and then first, she will give herself the pampering which she always deserved but never got. Then she planned to use the rest of money to help the talented yet underprivileged kids because kids really remember who helped and made them. Then when she died, those kids will be there to cry on her grave.
Meanwhile, while she wasn't getting any richer, she planned to be loved as a friend. She found the girls to be double faced but she found that boys were easy. They loved a girl who would play with them, understood their language and thoughts. Or so she thought. She became a tom boy. She thought she was loved and accepted, but she didn't knew that she had become a joke and was ridiculed behind her back, by girls because they thought she was a slut and by boys who thought she was weird and slut. She did everything for her so called friends so that they will love and cherish her. But that didn't happen. She was only their friend because he helped them, not other way around. Later in her teens, she tried to fit in groups, but never succeeded. One of the reasons may be that her father was constantly being transferred and she never made any true friends. Meanwhile she thought about suicide, tried it three times for fun. In her high school, all those emotional abuse at home got to her. She became depressed and this time really attempted suicide. She was "saved" and kept on medication which made her sleepy and numb. She left all those hit behind and cured her mind. She started dreaming again of her business empire.
She had several brushes with attractions, crushes, flirts etc. but never love. Twice in her life she felt it was love but the guy on the other end always found her fat. Then one day, miracle happened. A guy proposed her. Her childhood friend, whom she thought that, knew everything about her. But she has learned enough from life to know that love didn't exist for fat girls and didn't really believe him. He tried really hard to woo her.
And then one day, shit happened. They had a huge fight. Girl cried her heart out and guy cried too. And she fell in love. Earlier things were good. Her life at home was shit. Mother had died, father was constantly abusing her and her brother had started hitting her. But she was happy. She had been planning to run away from a year or two, but love gave her strength. And she ran away. She ran away for her freedom from abuse and her happiness. Love surrounded her. She was in heaven. She found a job and started living in a hostel. But all this took time. She changed many apartments and while in between, stayed with her love. But the closeness ruined them. At least the guy thought so. This was the love she dreamed about. When he kissed, the world around her vanished. She didn't remember the last time she met that ghost from her past. Her love was not shallow like other guys. He loved her as she was. So she tried hard to bring back those time. She gave him space and love. And her efforts worked. They were back together.
And then one day, the myth shattered. He said he was no longer interested in getting physical because he had a problem with her being fat. It shattered her. This wasn't a lie. It was truth, one she always knew. But this time, something happened. Her heart was broken many times but it was okay because she had always expected those heart breaks. This time, she felt broken because her belief was shattered. Love had really made her blind and given her faith, that yes, she can also be loved. That statement broke this faith. And she was never same again.
In a few days, her ghost came back. She could literally here him saying, "Hello sweetheart, missed me?" It was her loneliness. Yes, loneliness was that ghost which was inside her and around her. As he found out, it never really left her. May be it was the true love of her life. At least she could count on her loneliness to never leave her alone. She forgave her love but love was not there anymore. She immersed herself in work to escape from this loneliness. It was fine, only till her mind was over burdened with work. The moment she breathed easily, it was back again.
Well, it is not a fairytale. The prince charming never came, business happened but there was never any empire. She was born as an ordinary girl, the dreams in her eyes were extra ordinary but she never became what she always wanted to become- someone who was pampered, loved, cherished and cared for.
But there is still a silver lining. She beat that loneliness, finally. You want to know how? Well she loved watching the highways, with its lights and broad road and cars running by. So she rented a home which had this view. And then one day, she smoked her last cigarette, wrote her story and jumped from her balcony on 39th floor apartment. 39 was her favorite number. It was in her only love's email id.
