Miniscule Living
Why do they always have to be like this to me? Can’t they see that their petty enjoyment of terrorizing my life by ridiculing me and making me feel miniscule really rips my heart out and makes it bleed.
They never feel my pain, when they see me crying all they want to do is laugh some more. They never want me to go anywhere with them. I sit at home, while they are at parties.
The local ball came and went, I sat at home crying my eyes out. I had asked all the girls I knew, none would be seen at that ball with me. From my house I heard the laughing, as they all had fun, I doubt they would have heard the sound of a single torn soul, with no one in the world.
I wish I knew the joys they have, a trip to the beach, some laughing in the waves. I wish for once, I could see a movie with someone other than my mom and dad.
All through class people pass notes to each other, must be so important that they get embarrassed if a teacher get it. They must be important, that’s why I never get any.
I cannot continue onwards in this life of misery and hate. I need a way out, a way to set myself free from the weight of the world…forever. I really need a friend, someone who could carry me away, I need someone’s strength to get me through this. But it seems it will never happen, I will just have to let the darkness cover me, and deny everything.
If only I had been able to do more in my life, I will never know the simple delights of kissing a girl, falling in love for the first time, having my heart broken when she dumps me. I’ll never know what it is like to be at a party with friends, having fun, drinking and doing other things I’m not supposed to do. I have never done any of these…and never will. Ever!
Realizing it’s over, I lay my head down to sleep, I have a night of screams and tears. I see a boy, all alone crying in the corner, people around him seem to be laughing. I walk over and begin to laugh, I cannot help myself, I see him and I can look down on him, I feel the power rushing through me, I am no longer the one at the bottom. I can see he is like me, all he wants is a friend, but no one wants be his. I look closer, and realize the face of the boy with tears pouring down his face...is me. I wake with terror in my eyes.
I will embrace my parents, the only ones whose love meant something to me. The kind of love I needed from people who where my friends, the ones who did not exist. I often wonder if things could have been different, had I hidden who I was, being someone else. That would have resulted in living a life which wasn’t mine, could it have been worth it?
If I should end my life now, will it have had any impact on anyone? Or will I just be blown away like dust and sand? Will I have any impact on those who have hurt me? Or will they just laugh about my death? All I that no matter what my death does to them, it will never make up for what they have done to me. My only regret is that my mom and dad have to go through this, they were so great to me, I wish they didn’t have to suffer over this, but then, maybe it is for the best.
All the pressure is building on me, I cannot take it any more, this is the way, the only way, it must be done right, and no more tears will shed. I pull the knife from out the draw, I run the bath and begin to get in, tears pouring down my face, a regular seen, I often wonder if this went on, would it begin to stain my face?
I feel the life begin to drain from me, for some reason everything seems to go away, I no longer feel sadness flowing through me. I know that this is the final frontier, I see my life begin to go past my eyes. I remember all the bad things in my life, I remember the only good things with my mom and dad. I remember the sadness of the only birthday I ever had…and not one person came.
I begin to feel the life drained from me. I close my eyes and the darkness covers everything, the last tear drips down my face. I lay there, and fall into darkness, which I shall never escape.
I left a note to be read by all:
I never asked to be born
What right do you have?
To bring me into this world
Where all my life is
Is misery and hate?
I slowly grow older
Suffering all the hatred
Wishing my life had not been
Hoping it will all go away
What right do you have?
To do this to me
My life is a long one
There is only one way out
Why did you make me do this?
