Mike the Cannibal | By: Kevin C. Pearce | | Category: Short Story - Comedy Bookmark and Share

Mike the Cannibal

Mike the Cannibal

I am going to visit my friend Mike the Cannibal today. He lives deep in the woods
looking over this here town. Four hunters have disappeared in the last nine months.
It should also be noted that Mike the Cannibal moved to these woods one year ago.
I know he killed those hunters but it shall remain a secret. Mike is a good person.
He lives in harmony with his surroundings. But he kills hunters. We will not hold this
against him.

"I killed another one" he says to me over coffee.
"Do you ever think the cops will find your super cool little hideout here Mike?" I ask.
"I'm a cannibal. I just plain love the meat."
"That's not what I asked you."
"Right...right. No, I don't think the cops will ever find my super cool little hideout."
"Mike...what is the thrill exactly?"
"It's the meat. It's really tasty. Want some?"
"Yes, I think I will finally try this meat of yours."
"Here. Take. TAKE."
And so I try the meat.
"This is quite tasty. Who is this?"
"Jonathan Nichols."
"I think I used to deliver his paper."
"What's a person supposed to say to that?"
"I don't know, Mike. You killed him. You should be prepared for situations like this."
"I suppose you're right."
Awkward silence.
"So, Mike. You've killed four. Are you aware that you've reached the serial killer ranking?"
"Yes. I'm sure it's not quite what my parents had in mind."
"Right...right. When exactly is the killing going to stop, Mike? I say this purely out of curiosity."
"Not for a long time. A very long time. I've acquired quite a taste for it. The meat, I mean.
Love the meat."
"Why don't you come back to town with me. We'll get you cleaned up and I'll set you up with this girl
I know. Promise me you won't eat her though. She's a friend. It wouldn't be very polite of you."
"Understood. However, I will have to decline."
"OK...then I must be going."
"Don't tell anyone about my super cool little hideout, alright?"
"You always tell me that, Mike. Don't get all paranoid. Nobody will hear a word from me.
I don't want to be eaten."
"You're a good friend. Join me again soon for some meat."
"OK, Mike. It does have a certain taste to it, doesn't it?"
"You don't have to tell me. It's all I eat."
"Right...right. Goodbye."
"Goodbye. All the best to your family."

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