Last Will and Testament
I, William Thomas Xavier-Pendragon, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud, mistake, or undue influence, do make, publish, and declare this to be my last Will and Testament, hereby expressly revoking all Wills previously made by me.
The Xavier-Pendragon estate will be divided among my various beneficiaries in the following manner:
To my loving wife, Marla: I leave you the Solarium. In addition, I leave you half of our summer home outside of Aspen, Colorado, and half of the newly renovated guest house that lies adjacent to it. I also leave you the ski resort that runs parallel to both the guest house and the summer home, both outside of Aspen, Colorado. I also leave you the town of Aspen, which I won in a poker game several years ago. I hope these things make you happy, Marla, and remember: I have loved you with all of my heart.
To my equally loving mistress, Dana: I leave you my other Solarium. Also, I know you've always loved to travel, and so I also leave you with my various methods of transportation. My collection of fine antique automobiles. My horse-drawn carriage. My submersible. My steam-powered gyrocopter. My team of lovely purebred sled-dogs. Furthermore, I leave you with the other half of my summer home and guest house outside of Aspen, Colorado, because I find the idea of my wife and mistress being forced to share a home rather amusing.
To my estranged son, Wesley; I’m sure you know I don’t approve of your lifestyle, your career choice, or your decision to be a permanent bachelor, and I’m sure you’ve realized that I will not be leaving you much of my estate. I leave you my third solarium. It’s the smallest of the three solariums, and is constructed of sub-par materials. I also leave to you my four Olympic-sized swimming pools, my riverboat, and my chain of nautical-themed restaurants. Why do I leave you these seemingly random possessions? Because of your severe phobia of large bodies of water.
To all of my slaves and indentured servants; I give you your freedom. My legal council recently informed me that slavery was actually abolished sometime around 1865, and was never actually legal here in our great city of Las Vegas. I offer my most heartfelt apologies.
To my live-in nurse, Hilda; you’ve been indispensable these final few years, constantly being by my bedside to attend to my every whim. As the cancer got worse, you stayed by my side, even as others left me. You have been my right arm, my closest friend, and my trusted advisor. I truly cannot thank you enough. You immense commitment and loyalty deserves the highest compensation. I leave you with my treasured collection of state quarters, my karaoke machine, and part-time access to Wesley’s solarium.
And finally, to Dr. Donald Feifer, the inventor of the solarium; I leave you my 470 million dollar fortune. Your architectural creation has brought both a literal and metaphorical light into my life, and for that I am eternally grateful. I only ask that you use a portion of the money to build the world’s largest solarium in my honor, and name it after me.
Thank you.
Yours in life and in death,
William Thomas Xavier-Pendragon
