My Last Six Months in Mexico-1/5/2007
First of all thanks reading this. Okay now, I decide after living in Mexico for 4.5 years, it was time for me to start keeping a diary. Iím not Mexican myself so youíll find some of this to not be very politically correct, but I can get away with it, i think, because my husband is Mexican. I will not try to ďhate onĒ the Mexican people, just talk from a foreignerís, an outsiderís if you will, point of view.
After desperately trying for 4.5 years to become ďapartĒ of the Mexican community, I have come to understand that all though we are similar in body shape, we have nothing else in common. After all this time, I still do not understand anything about the Mexican people. Donít get me wrong, I know them, but I still do not understand.
There are things I wonít ever get use to and for that reason itís time for me to say goodbye to this country. I wish them all the prosperity and luck in the world! Just please get me back to the good Ďol US of A!
Today started out like any other day. I woke up at 10 am (this is actually early compared to some days.) The only reason I woke up that early is to start doing a job I took only to make money to leave Mexico for good this summer!
My husband is quite stressed right now as well. We work for the same company and both loathe our work. I canít speak for him but I am feeling at the same time it is a blessing to keep my mind occupied and keep me from wanting to jump of a cliff!!! Itís the strangest feeling, wishing you could die, but at the same time knowing that there is something that you were created to do but you just havenít figured it out yet. So youíre praying to God to die at the same time youíre praying that heíll show you what it is youíre suppose to do! Have you ever live this delima? Youíre not alone!
So for my first day, thatís all I have. Today is Wednesday, we leave Friday for the US. I have to admit that I may be too busy tomorrow to stop back in and I may forget about this until I get back to Mexico and Iím feeling the pressure again. I hope not. I hope that Iíll keep this filled in with all the thoughts I have about visiting the US and if I think I can live there again or not. I hope to have really clear understanding of my current life and my future when I come back to Mexico in January. Until then, I will keep trying to keep the faith and pressing on to a higher standard...but most importantly...Iím just Stephanie, trying to survive.
January 5, 2007
Wow, 2007! I can not believe that a year has gone by since we were packing up to move to Puerto Vallarta, ------- to be exact, although at the time I wasnít sure where I would end up living. Looking back at 2006, a lot of change has happened to me, and for the good I might add. Robert and I have a better relationship than ever, we have experienced another place in Mexico and I, folks, have finally grown up!
On December 20 I said that I hoped I would be here writing but not sure since we were leaving to go to the US. I packed my bags and got ready to be at ďhomeĒ for the holidays. What I got on the other hand was ďhell on earth.Ē
I guess I should start back in July 2006, when I moved in with my parents and started working for them so that Rob and I could save money to move back to the US. Living with my parents though, conjured up old things that I had not resolved and I soon found that I was old enough not to care anymore about their ďdisappointments.Ē Twenty-six and a half years old is when I will always think of as my ďgrowing upĒ time. I truly became an adult this past summer and I am thankful beyond belief for this. I am an adult by golly and donít forget it. Donít judge me, try to tell me what to do, or tell me youíre disappointed, because I just donít care anymore. This is my life, my terms, my convictions and my decisions. I finally realized this past summer that from now on, what I DONíT do, is MY fault, itís no longer my fatherís fault. From now on, Iím in charge of my destiny, no matter what my parents wanted for me. I know that they had good intentions, but what if what they wanted, just isnít in the cards, what then? What am I suppose to do? How can I become what Iím NOT suppose to be, just because itís what THEY think should happen, should I have to live with this guilt? NO!!! Itís official! Iím the adult here now and I will think like one! I will give myself goals and I will chase my dreams. I will love my husband like no one Iíve ever loved before and I will believe that I am okay, all those questions and knowing that I am not ďnormalĒ, as far as my parents are concerned, are all in the past. Itís all okay. Being ďabnormalĒ is okay.
That was what I learned this past summer, when I moved back in with them, without my husband. What happened when I went ďhomeĒ for the holidays just added on to the realization that things will never be the same. I have never seen my parents be so jealous or demanding of my time. And Iíve never seen my mom and my sister agree on anything else in my life, except for now, for this situation...where I would spend my holidays! Even though, I do have a whole other family living in the town right next door. It all is coming together in my mind now, I have grown up, I have left my father and mother and have ďclungĒ to my husband. This is what I was taught all my life, and here I am now, having done that and been treated as though I was a traitor to my family. I love my parents dearly, they gave me life, they put food on the table, they gave me more than many children ever see and they gave me a good foundation...but I am no longer a child. I am a conscience and bright adult with dreams, goals and ambition. I love life and my husband and I place much value on human life. I am responsible, loving and hard working. I will not let anyone treat me as though Iím not worthy! I have finally grown up and Iím loving my skin. I hope the same for anyone whoís reading this. May you find your place and be comfortable with who you are and were made to be. Embrace life, donít blame anyone else for the steps you donít take right now at wherever you are in life! Itís your decision now, and the sky is the limit!