How the World was Won | By: Jake Newman | | Category: Short Story - Western Bookmark and Share

How the World was Won


Once upon a time, quite awall bak, for Texas joind da celestial confederacy an aw da udda cuntrees got civilized fak -- it wuz wen da first railways wuz gittin put down an fokes got ta hedin west, dat da gold rush took place dat ud change da ho world.
It aw stardid one day wen a deep see fishin bote pikt up a fella cald Abe dat wuz strandid awn a desert island way out at see. An Abe goze ta tellin da fishers dare dat e wuz awn a sailin ship dat ben sent out awn a secret mishun by da Royal Guard. an dat day aw got inta sum ruff warters an evbudy got aw swallerd up by da see cep fer im cuz e got worsht up awnta dis desert island. An e sed but da reel reezin da ship sunk wuz cuz it wuz jist chunkt plum full uh gold day aw foun way out west. An e sed e wunnid ta git sum udda fellas ta go bak wid eem an git sum more gold.
Now bak den, most fokes didn even ave no ideer wut aw wuz way out west, cuz uh da rebelashun timeline dat rund north an south thu da mountains dat kep evbudy outta dem parts. Da rebelashun timeline wuz lak a lawn line uh reel stormy wetha, wid a fawg so thik ya cuden even see ya hand in frun uh ya face. An fokes aw figgerd dat enybudy dat gode awf inta aw dat fawg ud jist a faw ova dayid purdy soon er sumpm, cuz evbudy dat deeyid didn neva come bak. Udda folks sed it wuz cuz dade git cot up inta da future an day caint come bak. But enyway, deez fishers node aw dis, an day awso figgerd dare wernt so much gold in aw da world dat ya cud sink a Royal Guard sailin ship wid it. So day jist teezd ol Abe bout gittin too much sun er eetin too much seeweed er sumpm. Den day kindly dropt eem awf bak awn shore wen day aw got bak.
So Abe wuz awn da east coast uh da cuntry at dis point, kina lak evbudy wuz bak den -- a livin in da past. An lak e sed, e strate away goze ta tellin fokes bout aw da gold dare wuz way out west. But it wuz jist da same way agin at first ?? fokes jist figgerd ol Abe wuz crazy an gode bout dare own bizniss. It didn take lawn doe, fak not even lawn at aw, for a few certain fokes perkt rite up ta heer bout is story. It wuz da Esau gang.
Now da Esau gang wuz da biggis bunch uh bandits in da ho world. An day rund aw da drinkin stablishments fer da gubment, but day only sold rilly cheep beer. Fokes erspectid em aw purdy much doe cuz dade tell nurshry rimes an play funeral perseshun music awn Sundays, an cuz dade go roun woopin up awn folks dat wuden lak evbudy else an sayin day wuden no good. Dey wuz in reel good wid da gubment too cuz day wuz ahways tryna make da gubment look good ta da people no matta wut aw kina shenanigans day wuz rilly up ta. See, dis wuz bak in da Prohibishun days wen da law an order in da land wuden no good an dare wuden no way ta fix it cuz aw da good strong spirits it took to do it wuz outlawd. An da Esau gang wuz makin shore thangs stade dat away, cuz it wuz good fer dare bizniss. Evy time sum good ol boys ud git sum good old wisky in em, er sum moonshine, an den git a good ol fashund bar room brawl a goin, da Esau bruddas ud jist a come a bustin in an shoot da piano player.
But dare wuz a rumor goin roun bak den dat fokes mite be gittin wize ta da Esau gang purdy soon. Problem wuz didn nun uh em no ow ta do nuttin else. So day wuz aw gittin a lil wureed bout dat an day got ta werkin even harder fer da gubment, lease til day heerd bout da story Abe wuz tellin.
See, da Esau gang awso bleved in a reel old legend dat sed one day dade aw fine a place wer dare wuz gold aw ova, jist a thown out in da streets an evthang. An day aw wunnid ta make shore dat wen dat day come dat day wuz aw da first ones dare. So wen day heerd bout ol Abe day aw got tugeda an jist a wen a hawg wild wid a plottin an a skeemin bout ow day cud aw git dare first. Problem wuz day wuz gunna afta fine out fum Abe wer aw da gold wuz first, an den day wuz gunna afta go dare widout da gubment nowin, cuz da gubment wooden let em go crost da rebelashun timeline er dade jerk dare license ta serve rilly cheep beer an ta tell dare nurshry rimes an ta play dare funeral perseshun music awn Sundays. An enytime enybudy deeyid go crost da rebelashun timeline an come bak, well, da Esau gang ud go out an hang em up er shoot em down so day wooden talk, cuz day node dat wuz bad fer dare bizniss. Dis wuz why fokes dat gode crost da rebelashun timeline didn neva wunna come bak.
Enyway, da Esau gang desidid day wuz gunna afta shoot ol Abe too jist ta shut eem up an ta keep evbudy else fum findin out bout aw da gold, but day wunnid ta make shore e told em ow ta git ta wer aw da gold wuz first.
So day aw go ta Abe an akid lak day wunnid ta go wid eem ta wer aw da gold wuz, but day wunnid eem ta tell em ow ta git dare first. An Abe goze ta splainin thangs ta em, sayin dat enytime ya set out ta go crost da rebelashun timeline ya gotta git ta goin awn da forth day affa wen ya first set out ta go. An dat den, wen ya git dare, ya git dare awn da same day as wen ya first set out ta git ta goin, so dat it dont take no time at aw ta git dare. An e sed ya kin even get dare for ya even set out ta git ta goin. Dis is cuz uh wut day cald da theery uh errortivity bak den, er sumpm lak dat. Only da reel reel smart fokes cud even unnastan it. An e sed but if ya dun it any udda way ya mite neva even git wer ya goin, an it cud take ya six ta ate years for ya kin even git bak. Abe node aw dis cuz uh wen e wuz awn dat secret mishun. Wen day aw set out ta git da gold bak day stardid out an got ta goin aw awn da same day. An day neva even did git wer day wuz goin, wall it took ol Abe seven years uh sittin roun awn dat desert island an figgerin it aw out for e cud even git bak.
Enyway, da Esau gang, well day shore wuden goin fer nun uh dat. Day jist figgerd ol Abe wuz a tryna pull dare wool down ova dare eyes. An day wuz gittin aw hot an botherd wid eem. See, cuden nun uh da Esau gang hardly even read er rite too good, much less unnastan da deepis meanins uh life. Day aw node dare nurshry rimes reel good, corse mostly jist fum sittin roun heerin each udda sayin em, but day didn neva afta think too hard in dare bizniss. Fak is, day aw purdy much got rid uh enybudy dat deeyid ?? thowin em rite outta dare soseeashun an sayin day wuden no good.
So enyway, den day jist go ta askin Abe wer aw da gold wuz agin an ow ta git dare, but e jist goze ta tellin em da same thang agin an tryna splain it aw ta em betta.
Well now day wuz rilly gittin eartated wid ol Abe, an sum uh em wunnid ta jist go ahayid an shoot eem rite dare. But day jist figgerd day gotta take Abe wid em if day eva wunnid ta see dat gold. Cep wen e wooden even shut up bout tryna splain it aw ta em, day finely jist a hawg tied eem an thode eem awn a wagon ta hed out rite den.
See, wen da Esau gang wuz a puttin dare plans tugeda day wuz figgerin aw dare putterin roun time wuz dun, an dat day gotta git ta goin for da gubment node wut day wuz up ta. An day figgerd da first thang day gotta do is ta hold up one uh da trains fum da Standard Time Railroad Compny an take it an set it awn sum new traks goin west, traks dat wuden even open yet.
Now, bak den da Standard Time Railroad Compny wuz da only railroad compny dare wuz. An aw dare traks rund north an south. But fokes aw lakt it dat away cuz day node dat as lawn as day wuz ahways gittin railroadid north an south didn nuttin neva change nun an day didn neva ave ta wurry bout no past er future. Corse, aw dare grate heros didn neva lak dat nun so day wuz ahways leevin an hedin west. An, corse, cuz day wuz ahways lookin fer betta wisky. But fokes awso node dat enytime ya git ta goin east an west purdy soon ya be gittin da sun in ya eyes, an ya time piece gits ta bein aw wrong, an ya go ta gittin aw confuzd an feelin funny. Dey wooden no wen ta thow awn supper an wen ta hit da outhouse. See, dis wuz for dare wuz integrated universal time, lak we got now, so as evbudy kin ahways no jist ezakly wut time it is in da solar, lunar, stellar an pneumonal time dimenshuns, an fum no matta wer ya standin. Yu no, so as we kin aw be wereva we wunna be jist ezakly wen we wunna be dare, an be werin da rite cloze, an no wut ta do, an wut kina attitude we gotta ave. An so as we kin ahways no jist ezakly wen ta thow awn wut fer supper an wen ta hit da outhouse. Fokes jist didn no nuttin bout aw dat bak den. Fak is dat bak den da gubment ad aw deez north an south lines day cald time zone lines so day cud tell evbudy wut time day wuz poze ta ak lak it wuz. But dare wuz sum fokes dat node aw da wall dat dat wuz aw jist hawgworsh. Dey node stuff wuden gittin thu da system lak it wuz poze ta cuz didn nobudy neva no wut time it rilly rilly wuz. An da constipashun wuz givin fokes brain damage.
Enyway, it wuz sum uh deez same fokes, sents day didn git confuzd so eezy lak evbudy else, an sents day didn mine gittin da sun in dare eyes (or maybe even cuz day kina lakt da feelin funny part) dat desidid ta start da first east an west railway, an day cald it da Sunchaser Railroad Compny. Dey cald it dat cuz day wunnid ta foller da sun ta wer it wuz ahways hidin out, an be wer aw da grate heros wuz. An da Sunchaser line wuz jist fixin ta open up dare first railroad trak at da time, soon as day cleerd da line uh aw da trees an bolders dat fell crost it wall day wuz still puttin it down, cuz it took em a bunch uh years ta put it aw down.
Well, it wuz bout sumwer roun Charlotte dat same day dat da Esau gang cot up wid da Standard Time locomotive passin thu dare an stopt it. Corse, da conductor stopt rite away fer em wen e saw it wuz da Esau gang tryna hold em up. Den da ho band uh em aw come awn an go ta robbin evbudy an thowin em aw awf an evthang so as day cud steal da train too. An fokes wuz happy ta gib em aw wudeva day wunnid an ta let em ave da train too, cuz ?? affa aw ?? it wuz da Esau gang.
Den day took an lodid da train up, wid Abe an aw, an put it awn da traks goin west an got ta goin rite away.
Now it didn take lawn for day aw ad ta be stopin ta git trees an stuff outta da way. Day wuz awn da worse part uh da trak fer dat too sents it wuz da part dat wuz put down at da first wen da bildin crews first hedid west. An purdy soon day even wisht day didn thow awf aw da riders at da start so as day cud ave em fer aw da heevin an a howin awn aw doze hevy trees an bolders ta moov em ?? cuz now day wuz jist a werin deyselves out, an speshuly sents day jist neva dun no kina werk lak dat for. An, corse, day got ta avin a bunch uh squabblin an fist fitin goin on too cuz uh aw da werk ta do.
Enyway, affa da first cuppel days day wuz aw jist busht. An awn da third day day puld inta a lil place cald Conway. Da traks only rund so far as ta Nashville at da time, so day wuz gunna afta hijak em sum wagons purdy soon. An day didn wunna go aw da way inta Nashville -- cuz uh da law dare -- an cuz too minny fokes mite git ta wundrin wut day wuz up ta an wer day wuz aw hedin. Day awso needid ta git em sum new trail hands ta werk fer em at blazin da trail ahayid fer da wagons. So day aw jist a mozeed awn inta Conway an got ta tellin dare nurshry rimes an playin dare funeral perseshun music. An day wuz aw exsited bout bein awn dare way ta git sum gold, so day made a good impreshun awn fokes. An aw da wall day wuz huntin em up sum good trail hands ta git em ta join dare gang so as day cud git em ta do aw da hard werk fer awall.
But purdy soon word got out awn da telly dat a Standard Time locomotive ben seen in da wrong time zone -- a sittin dare awn da Sunchaser traks in Conway. Sumbudy jist figgerd dat wuz suspishus so day cald in da fedral marshuls. An wen day got dare day go ta askin da Esau gang hu it wuz dat stole dat locomotive an rund it aw da way ta Conway. So day sed it wuz a gang dat jist lef outta town, but den day sed dare wuz still one uh em dare. Den day drug ol Abe outta da train an sed e wuz da main henchman in da heist.
See, by dis time day aw figgerd day didn need ol Abe nun nohow, cuz e wuz splainin thangs ta em aw da way dare an day figgerd day cud jist do betta widout eem awtugeda. Sides, didn nun uh em even lak eem nun nohow. Dey wuz gunna jist shoot eem purdy soon, but dis wuz even betta cuz it got em aw awf da hook wid da gubment too.
So da fedralees marshuld up ol Abe an put eem in stir.
Den, soon as da Esau gang got em tugeda uh big ol werkin crew an russeld em up nuff wagons day hedid awn out fer Memphis, wich is bout as far as eny uh da Esau gang eva did git. Day aw got ta wurryin bout wedda da gubment wuz follerin em an wedda day shudda got rid uh ol Abe affa aw. But awso, day wuden even gittin alawn nun nohow. Didn nun uh em even trust da uddas cuz day aw wunnid ta git ta wer aw da gold wuz for aw da rest. An didn nun uh em even lak da new trail hands nun needa cuz day didn lak ta heer dare funeral perseshun music nun. So da gang finely jist goze ta sayin dare wuden rilly no gold affa aw, an gittin da trail hands ta quit so day didn ave ta pay em nun. Dat way day cud aw go tryna git ta wer aw da gold wuz by deyselves. But dat didn neva werk nun needa. Didn nun uh em even no da way dare, an wut day did no day wuden tellin nobudy nohow. So, in da end, day didn neva even git wer day wuz goin, wall it took ol Abe a gittin railroadid fer six ta ate years for e cud even git bak.
But wall ol Abe wuz up da river, da Sunchaser Railroad Compny werkt a bunch uh years at puttin down more trak. An day got ta bout as far as ya cud git in da ol west bak den, Abelene, wich wuz wer Abe wuz fum. Abelene wuz only bout a day horsebak fum da rebelashun timeline. Didn nobudy rilly wunna git no closer den dat nohow. But dare wuz a lil place out dare cald Tombstone Hill dat set rite up ginst da timeline. Dats wer day set up aw da tombstones fer aw da grate heros dat ahways crost thu da rebelashun timeline an didn neva come bak. Didn nobudy neva rilly go out dare much, cep fer sum coal miners, an dat wuz jist cuz day foun coal in da hill dare so day wuz diggin aw deez mineshafts ta git da coal out. Da land dare wuz bot up by sum purdy sharp ol boys dat wuz minin da coal an shippin it bak ta Abelene ta sell it ta da Sunchaser line. An dis is ow da Tombstone Hill Minin Compny come ta be da International Railroad Compny -- cuz day ownd aw da land an da traks fum Abelene ta Tombstone Hill dat day wuz shippin dare coal awn.
See, one day da miners wuz diggin in one uh da mines in Tombstone Hill an a ho fell thu ta da udda side uh da hill. An da miners peekt out thu da ho an day cud see wut wuz awn da udda side uh da rebelashun timeline. An it wuz aw reel purdy an aw. Dare wuz green grass an flowers an boids choipin. An sum strange lookin animals. An day sed it lookt lak mornin time ova dare, but day node good an well day wuz jist werkin til a lil past dark dat day. An day sed it lookt lak spring time ova dare, wen day node it wuz faw time. An day cud heer aw dis music dat wuden nuttin lak da funeral perseshun music dat da Esau gang an da gubment ahways plade. But da werdis thang wuz dat day lookt down an seen dat dare coal minin car traks wuz awredy put down cleen ova da horizon. Corse, day didn no it wuz cuz day wuz awredy dare in da future an put em down deyselves. Day wuz jist gittin dare for day even set out ta git ta goin.
Well, day jist didn no wut ta make uh it aw. Day ad foun out ow ta git crost da rebelashun timeline widout goin thu aw dat bad wetha. It wuz by goin unnagroun. Corse, at first da miners jist clozed da ho bak up agin fer awall. But da news bout dis got out an got ta gittin roun, fak, bout da same time Abe wuz gittin out an gittin roun agin. An Abe node aw bout unnagroun railroads, cuz e wuz ahways gittin railroadid.
So Abe goze bak ta tellin fokes bout aw da gold dare is way out west an lookin fer fokes dat wunna go dare. Corse, at first fokes wuz jist lookin at eem aw crazy lak agin. But den e goze ta tellin bout ow e wuz awn dat secret mishun, an bout ow da Esau gang dun dat grate train robbry an hired a bunch uh fokes roun Conway ta do sum trail blazin fer em dat day neva paid em fer an evthang. An dis got evbudy roun dare thinkin cuz sum uh em awredy node parts uh da same story. An sum uh da good ol boys wid da Sunchaser line wuz jist a perkin rite up ta heer bout it aw. Day wuz most uh em aw trail blazin fer da Esau gang wen dat wuz goin awn, an day mostly aw livd goin tords Memphis cuz uh wen day lef awf fum werkin fer da Esau gang. But day aw memberd dat story bout aw da gold dare wuz sumwerz. It wuz still big gossip in dem parts, speshuly cuz day awso node dat affa da Esau gang gabe up tryna go west dat day aw got ta werkin fer da Standard Time Railroad Compny a strongarmin da Sunchaser line, tryna shut em down. Bout haf da railroad bridges fum Nashville ta Memphis dun ben blode up by da Esau gang at one time er anudda by den. Ben aw kina train reks thu dem parts. An day kep gittin way wid it cuz nobudy neva seen em. Day wuz jist doin evthang day cud ta make shore cuden nobudy go west at aw. So da Sunchaser boys ben figgerin muss be da Esau gang ben hidin sumpm day node.
But awso, da fedral marshuls still ben a pokin roun lookin fer da rest uh da gang dat staged dat grate train robbry wid Abe. Day jist wuden fergittin bout dat nun cuz wen dat Standard Time locomotive got ta flyin crost aw da gubment time zone lines it thode dare calibrashun uh time in da lunar an stellar time dimenshuns aw outta wak, an day ad ta go an start up world war three, wich day wuz loozin, tryna change da times bak. So day still ad wantid posters out fer em evywer. It wuz kina lak a war ginst ghosts dat wuden even dare, dat day ad a goin. But day wuz jist shore it cuden ben jist one dude dat wuz rilly behine dat ho heist. Day figgerd it ad ta be a bunch uh fokes dat node wut day wuz doin an dat ben plannin it goin way bak, an fokes dat wuz a ho lot smarter den da Esau gang.
Enyway, Abe kina gits ta puttin da ho story tugeda bit by bit an lettin awnta fokes wut e node, an da word wuz gittin out an goin roun. An, corse, da Esau gang wuz gittin aw bent up bout dat. But awso, Abe ad a speshul recipe fer makin old wisky dat e cud jist woop up ovanite dat evbudy rilly lakt. Ahways made em set up strate. An dat kina got fokes ta comin roun an bak fer more. Problem wuz dat Abe wuz takin bizniss way fum da Esau gang. But day didn no wut ta do bout it cuz e ad sum big buddies an aw da Sunchaser boys awn is side, an plus day wuz aw frade e mite go ta da gubment bout ow dat day rilly wuz da gang dat staged da grate train robbry. An Abe didn rilly care eeda way. He dun time cuz uh dem awredy an day owed eem one now. So e wuz jist a moovin in awn dare bizniss an day cuden do much bout it. Day took a cuppel uh pot shots at Abe an is boys fum way awf wer day cuden git em (lease wen da locals wuden looking), an dare wuz a cuppel uh good shootouts tween em aw, but cuden nun uh da Esau gang even shoot strate nuff ta rilly hurt nobudy. So day node day wuz gunna afta fine sum udda way uh stoppin Abe widout fokes nowin.
Well, it wuden lawn for dares a bunch uh da locals roun dare dat wunnid ta go west. But sum uh da traks an bridges aw da way ta Memphis wuz still aw tore up cuz uh da Esau gang, an day wuden gunna be fixin em fer awall. So da Sunchaser line wuz only runnin to an fro tween Abelene an Memphis at da time. An wen day aw desidid ta go it wuz gunna be two weeks for da train come by Memphis agin. So sum uh da fokes wuz gunna ketchup wid da train dare in Memphis by takin a bote dare, an sum wuz goin by foot an by horsebak, an sum wuz takin wagons an stagecoaches. An dare wuz a bunch uh fokes, cludin Abe, dat hired em a big ol flat bottom vessel wid a ol steamship captain dat wunnid ta hep em ketch dat train. It wuz bout faw time too, an a reel good time ta see da tourist sites. An awn da forth day affa wen day first set out ta go day finely git ta goin.
Now evbudy node da Esau gang wuz gunna be tryna ambush em awn da trail. But da Sunchaser boys awredy node aw bout ow ta deel wid da Esau gang. So day sent out scouts ta make shore da coast wuz cleer fer da wagons, an day made shore evy trail ride ad nuff wagons ta circle em up reel good if day needid, an sum good gun slingers ta ride shotgun. An dare wuz a cuppel uh skirmishes ere an dare. But den wen day aw got awn da train day sent out scouts ta check ahayid an keep da trubel down agin.
Well, affa da Esau gang seen aw uh dis, day finely desidid dare last chance ta stop dat train wuz gunna be at da Texas line. Day didn wunna go inta Texas proper -- cuz uh da law dare -- an aw da honest fokes, an da vigilante grupes, not ta menchen da wild animals. But da traks hedin inta Texas rund thu Indian territory fer a hunnerd miles ta wer it crost da Red River an follerd da first national road of Texas thu da Red River Valley. So day wuz gunna take a shortcut up da river awn da Indian territory side ta wer da big bridge wuz dat crost da river dare inta Texas, an blow it ta kingdom come.
Well now day didn no it nun, but wall day wuz follerin da river thu da Indian territory sum Indian scouts pikt up dare trail an got ta trakin em an watchin em an figgerd out hu day wuz. An day wuz in big trubel now.
See, wen da Sunchaser boys wuz puttin dare traks down day made peace wid da Indians cuz day aw greed dat da grate spirit da Indians bleved in muss uh livd in da sun, an dat da grate beyond ad ta be sumwers awn da udda side uh da rebelashun timeline. So day aw got ta bein friends wid em an tradin wid em an day let em put dare traks down crost dare territory. An da Indians ad heerd bout ow da Esau gang ben tearin up dare traks an bridges fer awall. So wen da Indians seen da Esau gang a hedin fer da big Sunchaser bridge inta Texas day aw got tugeda an ad em a big pow wow.
Now da Indians didn even lak da Esau gang nun nohow cuz day wuz ahways badmouthin dare grate spirit an da grate beyond, an cuz day sed da only god dare wuz died a lawn time ago an lef dem in charge. But da Indians node betta. Day awso node da Esau gang wuz aw in wid da gubment too, so day cuden be trustid nun fer nuttin. But wut wuz even worse wuz dat da Sunchaser bridge set rite in da big middle uh dare most sacred holy groun. So da Esau gang wuz in reel big trubel now.
Well, it wuz jist bout gittin dark wen da Esau gang roundid da last bend an got in site uh da Sunchaser bridge, an desidid ta set up camp fer da nite. But da Indians wuz awredy close behine em by den an got ta circlin aw roun em for day even node it. An da next thang wuz da Indians go ta beetin awn dare drums reel slow lak. Den day git ta hummin sum uh dare victory songs, an den a playin sum uh dare jinglin stuff an beetin da drums a lil faster. An da Esau gang wuz jist sittin dare tryna figger out wich way it wuz aw comin fum but it wuz comin fum evy direcshun.
Den da Indians git ta sangin da songs uh dare ancient spirits an doin sum uh dare rain dancin, an beetin da drums jist a lil more faster. An da clouds git ta moovin in an dare wuz thundrin an litenin an evthang. Da Indians wuz a callin fer da grate spirit ta come an hep em. An day node it ud werk cuz da Esau gang didn bleve in dare grate spirit nun an dare day wuz jist a sittin rite in da big middle uh his most sacred holy groun.

Well, aw dis wuz goin awn fer quite awall. Den da Indians go ta doin sum uh dare war dancin an ta hootin an hollerin. An da drums git ta beetin even faster an louder. An da clouds go ta rainin an it wuz gittin reel dark now an da Esau gang cud see da fire awn da Indians torches thu da woods in evy direcshun. Den, finely, one uh da Indian chiefs lets out a big ol lawn, blud curdlin war cry dat jist made aw da hair awn da hades uh da Esau gang stan a strate up. An day aw hop up an git ta runnin inta each udda an fallin bak down. Den da rain come lak a big ol gully worsher wid mud dat carried sum uh da gang down da hill inta da river. An da Indians wuz a chargin em now too.
Well, it wuden no purdy site. Aw da gang cud do wuz ta go tryna swim da river. But sum uh em got cot an scalpt an sum uh em got shot thu wid arrows, even sum wall day wuz in da warter. An sum uh em wuz tryna shoot at da Indians but dare gun powder wuz aw wet an wooden shoot. An sum uh em even fell inta da quiksand dare by da river cuz day didn no ta git awn da rock. An sum uh da ones dat made it crost da river seen even more Indians ova dare, an day wuz gittin rund bak inta da warter by a big ol bunch uh wild boar, cuz uh da grate spirit, so da Indians cud shoot at em sum more. It jist wuden no purdy site at aw. It wuz lak da ho world wuz ginst em.
But hep wuz awn da way.
See, sum uh da locals awn da Texas side ben lisnin ta evthang goin awn out dare crost da river, an day cud unnastan wut da Indians wuz sayin wen day got ta hootin an hollerin. So day awredy got sum uh dare naburs tugeda inta a big ol posse ta hep out. An day git ta rounin up aw da Esau bruddas dat wuz gittin way an day drug em aw bak up tugeda. Den day wuz tellin em dat day wuz awn private propurdy, an dat day gotta go rite strate bak crost da river da way day come in er else git shot. But den day sed if day wuz da gang dat ben tearin up aw da Sunchaser traks an bridges den day wuz goin ta jail. So aw da Esau gang dat wuz still lef gladly sed day wuz da gang dat ben tearin up aw da Sunchaser traks an bridges, so day cud go ta jail.
Well, affa day aw got took ta jail an aw dat, aw da Esau gang ad ta go ta fixin aw da Sunchaser traks an bridges day ben tearin up aw da way bak ta Conway, an ta makin it aw up ta da Sunchaser boys an ta start bein nice ta em. Dis wuz so as day cud wine up lookin ta be awn da rite side uh da war.
So, as da story goze, da train made it aw da way ta Abelene wid no problem. Den da boys wid da Sunchaser line got tugeda wid da boys fum da Tombstone Hill Minin Compny an desidid ta aw go inta a new passenger train bizniss. Affa aw, da minin compny ad aw da traks goin west an lotsa coal, an da Sunchaser line ad da passenger trains an day figgerd day cud git lotsa customers. So day aw got ta plannin da first locomotive ride ta go aw da way thu Tombstone Hill awn a special express trip bound fer parts unknown ?? even sed so rite awn da tickets day wuz sellin dare in Abelene awn a standby basis. An affa jist three days day sold awmost aw da tickets. So, awn da forth day, jist rite affa supper time, dat first train hedid out.
Well, aw dis time, aw da grate heros fum aw uh time, dat wuz west uh da rebelashun timeline, wuz comin tugeda inta Everton, jist a lil ways crost da timeline fum Abelene. Dey aw node dat stellar time ad got thode aw outta wak an day gotta go fix it. But day awso node pneumonal time wuz jist fixin ta ketchup wid lunar time an git it ta moovin agin ?? an corse we aw no wut dat means ?? day zero solar time, wen dare aint no more dark. An boy wuz day aw happy bout dat. Da mishun day sent Abe out awn wuz a werkin jist fine.
So day jist come fum aw ova inta Everton, an day aw brot sum uh da best wisky roun an go ta a hootin an a hollerin an a runnin deez big white horses thu town an shootin dare guns, an jist a havin a big ol time cuz it wuz da day dade aw ben waitin fer. Fum day zero solar time day wuz aw settin out ta go crost da rebelashun timeline awn da forth day pneumonal. Day node dat train wuz set ta be rollin thu Tombstone Hill rite awn time, an dat den day cud aw go crost da udda way an go ta tellin fokes wut time it rilly rilly wuz. Day wuz aw gunna be seddlin da grate war uh da worlds jist by goin crost da rebelashun timeline inta Abelene ta bootleg sum good wisky an tell evbudy day won. An day jist partied fer three days til it wuz time ta go. An day woopt em up a big ol batch uh da 120 year old sittin wisky in dare time machine stills ta smuggle in an gib ta da fokes in Abelene. Corse, we aw lak da 2000 year old wisky da best, cuz it keeps us young an aw, an its probly a good thang dare aint too minny fokes so committable dat day lak da 6000 year old wisky, but ya cuden gib reglar fokes eny wisky older den 120 years bak den in dat climate er it ud jist burn dare eyes out. Cordin ta da riginal recipe, da 120 year old sittin wisky wuz da strongis wisky plain fokes cud ave awn dat side.
An so it wuz dat awn da forth day, jist rite ezakly at sunset, dat da first train eva crost thu da rebelashun timeline. An at da same time aw da grate heros wuz a makin dare midnight charge bak da udda way, ta reset da stellar time wid da lunar time. An dare wuz aw dis thundrin an litenin. An da winds roun dare got ta woopin aw up. An da clouds got ta rushin roun. An dare wuz a reel ruff earthquake fum aw da disrupshun inside da timeline ?? wid da train a rushin thu, an aw da big white horses a chargin crost it ?? dat cud be heerd fer miles. Da rebelashun timeline wuz a brakin loose fum da geostrata, an da groun shook so hard dat evy tombstone awn Tombstone Hill jist a fell ova flat. Even in Abelene fokes wuz runnin fer cover. Dare wuz aw dis thundrin an litenin, an da groun wuz a shaken dare too, an lil animals wuz tryna run away an evthang.
Corse, da train got thu awrite. Day didn even feel nuttin cuz uh ow day wuz goin fass nuff ta be warpin da time roun em. An day aw got way out west ta wer aw da gold wuz. An we aw no da rest uh da story fum dare.
But ova in Abelene, da next mornin, fokes wuz wakin up ta aw kina racket goin awn dare.
Jist bout daybrake, aw da grate heros fum aw uh time jist a come a chargin inta town a hootin an a hollerin an a runnin dare big white horses thu town, an shootin dare guns, an jist a havin a big ol time cuz it wuz da day dade aw ben waitin fer. An day go ta tellin fokes dat day won da war an givin fokes lil shots uh da 120 year old sittin wisky. An fokes wuz aw drinkin it an sittin down rite away. An evbudy jist ad a big ol time.
Den aw da grate heros fand out aw up an down da rebelashun timeline ta start dare reparashun march crost da cuntry ta splain ta evbudy bout ow dat da rebelashun timeline wuz loose, an dat it wuz gunna be slowly driftin aw crost da land, an dat it wuden gunna stop til it crost da ho cuntry. An day wuz tellin fokes dat wen it come ta jist make shore dare houses wuz strong nuff, er fine one dat wuz. An ta jist set still inside til day wuz aw past ova. An dat den evthang wuz gunna be awrite.
Oh, an day wuz tellin fokes ow ta make betta wisky.
An so it wuz dat wen da time come evbudy dat lakt aw da grate heros fum aw uh time made shore dare houses wuz strong nuff, er day foun one dat wuz. An den day jist set still inside til day wuz aw past ova. An day tride out makin sum betta wisky. An evthang wuz awrite.
An, corse, den dare wuden no more sunset fer aw da grate heros ta ride awf inta. So evbudy jist livd haply eva afta.
Da End.

If you have enjoyed this story, you may enjoy the real story even more. Visit http://www.banishedthought.com

Click Here for more stories by Jake Newman

Comments