Rudolf, the untold story.
Now that Christmas has passed we’ve once again been reminded of the story of Rudolf
the red nosed reindeer. Though the story of that fateful night is true the story of Rudolf’s and
other character’s lives have been flooded with lies. The following facts in this in story will add
truth to the rise and fall from glory that was Rudolf’s life.
We have all heard the story of a poor little reindeer with a bright flashing nose who was
shunned by all of his peers. The traumatic situation would have been horrible for any young
deer, especially reindeer. Studies have shown reindeer to snap like a brittle twig when
experiencing childhood trauma. Not our Rudolf... he was as tough as a Bronx crack whore.
Rudolf came over a childhood with a bright red nose. He came over the other children’s name
calling like, “40 watt nose” and “lightening bug ass face”. Within time, it didn’t even bother him
when traffic would stop in his presence mistaking him for an intersection flasher.
Rudolf’s goals started out simple. Rudolf wanted to be the companion of a slender young
female deer who never picked on him as a child. Her name was Bippy. The only reason Bippy
didn’t pick on him as a child was she had a sexual fetish for red flashing noses, Rudolf later
found this out on their first date. Rudolf quickly fell in love with Bippy. He informed Bippy’s
father that he was going to ask for her hoof in marriage. Bippy’s father was not pleased. Rudolf
later found himself thrown in a ditch with a chipped antler from an apparent beating. Bippy’s
father didn’t like the idea of his daughter marrying a red nosed freak. He also didn’t like the idea
of grandchildren running around with multicolored, flashing noses. “It would look like a
goddamned military experiment gone wrong”, Bippy’s father often yelled. Rudolf and Bippy
were married soon after her father had an “accident”. Her father found himself in the grill of
Buick Park Avenue going at a high speed late one night. The driver said it looked like the deer
was pushed. Nothing was ever proven.
Rudolf had always dreamed of being one of Santa’s reindeer. He never thought he would
make it. Rudolf was just a poor deer living in a low income den complex with his new wife.
Then, one Christmas eve a thick fog covered the whole area. Santa had lost all hope of flying
that night and was wondering down to the bar so he could get sloppy drunk and cry. On his way
he saw Rudolf for the first time. Santa offered a position as team leader for that night and Rudolf
After that night Rudolf became a house hold name. Later, when arguing he would yell
“you show some respect, I’m a house hold name” and Bippy would yell back “so is shit”. Fame
and fortune also quickly came to the young couple. Within several years of being team leader,
combined with fame and the knowledge that the sleigh couldn’t fly without him on a foggy
night, Rudolf began to change. Rudolf was bitter about his childhood and now found he could
take it out on anyone. One night he bit Blitzen’s ear off in a cocaine fed rage over a beer coaster.
Rudolf even lost his wife, who was once the love of his life. Bippy came in the den one
afternoon and found Rudolf trying to mount a naked Elf. The elf was the same as in the original
story, but instead of wanting to be a dentist, he wanted to be a male prostitute.
While Rudolf’s ego and insanity grew his usefulness was withering away. Santa soon
realized he could be easily replaced with a set of hologen driving lights. Santa had figured out a
way to get rid of Rudolf and it required the help of Yukon Jack. Jack’s character was also greatly
distorted. Jack was the Captain Ahab of the North Pole. He was always in search of the elusive
ebonible snow man. Jack’s reason for tracking the snow man was a simple one. Many years ago,
on a cold dark night, the snow man attacked Jack’s tent. The snow man was rummaging for a
stick of butter he desperately needed for a pot of macaroni, squirrel, and cheese he had boiling
back at his cave. Finding no butter the snow man was enraged, he carried Jack over to the nearby
rocks and bounced him off of them repeatedly like a superball. After fifteen minutes the snow
man grew tired of this and left, leaving Jack for dead.
Jack did not die, he woke up the next morning in a mangled pile. Jack knew that the only
thing that kept the predators away while he was unconscious was the foul smell coming from his
britches. He must have soiled himself during the beating. Jack managed to get up and look
around only to find his only friend in the world, Happy, lay in the far distance. Broken in half.
Happy was a piece of 2x4 with a happy face drawn on it. Jack didn’t care what it was all he
knew was he lost his best friend. No matter how many times he tried to glue or nail Happy back
together nothing seemed to bring him back. It was never the same. Since then Jack has been
tracking the snow man hoping to melt him with his trusty propane torch. Living off vengeance
alone doesn’t pay the bills, from time to time he does a hit for Santa. When Santa asked Jack to
do a hit on Rudolf he was more than happy to take the job.
The arrangement of a hit on Rudolf isn’t the only horrible thing Santa has done. The
Island of misfit toys is a good example. The Island of misfit toys does exist, but they aren’t
misfits by accident. Some toys are nervous about being given to children and do not want to get
in Santa’s bag. The thought of disobedient toys anger Santa. After his recent trouble with
impotency Santa has even less patience with anyone, especially toys. To make an example Santa
will grab one of the cowering toys at random and bash it silly with a hammer he has hidden in
his boot. Last year the toy that received the beating was bi-plane Bobby. Bobby now has a gimp
wing and a deformed propeller. After the bashing all of the other toys are more that happy to
jump into Santa’s bag of goodies. Afterwards, the toy that has been bashed is sent away to the
island of misfit toys, never to be heard from again. This is one of many of Santa’s cover ups.
Finally, Rudolf, a young deer in his prime was found dead in his den a few days before
Christmas eve. Rudolf had been bashed to death with a broken piece of 2x4 with a bloodstained
happy face on it. Local police, pressured by Santa, issued their official police report involving
Rudolf’s death. The police chief said “it was an obvious drug overdose, just another young deer
trying to get a rush by bashing himself in the face with a 2x4”. We all know the truth.
This incident was quickly hushed up. Anyone who tried to investigate Rudolf’s death also
had an “accident”. I hope this story was enlightening to you. Countless numbers of Elves lost
their lives trying to smuggle this to us.