Tom Gnome | By: BK | | Category: Short Story - Other Bookmark and Share

Tom Gnome

Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Tom Gnome, and I am on a quest. Not just to explore the backcountry of the world we live in, but to find my long lost friends.

First off, let me explain, and maybe just maybe, you can help me out. In 1992, Art-Line Inc. made a set of lawn gnomes (My friends and I). On my foot you can find my model number, 4040, which may or may not be the same for the others. I appearently was made in China.

I, myself, am about 7-8-inches tall, I wear overalls, a green shirt, and a bright red, pointy hat. I think I used to hold a shovel, but it has gone missing, if it really was a shovel.

My friends and I spent many wonderful years guarding our lawn in New Jersey. Until one day, hurricane Isabelle came and ruined all that. A massive flood came into our yard, so fast my friends did not have time to get to high ground, and thus, I haven't seen them since.

I started my search in Asateaque Island, Virgina. I ran with the wild ponies and went to the beach to search there with no luck. I then took my quest towards Washington, D.C. on the way to Cape Henlopen, Deleware.

After passing the Pentagon, and driving through a tunnel, the bike rack I was hitching a ride on suddenly broke, and I was drug a mile-and-a-half hitting my head along the highway, doing speeds of about 65mph, in the middle of the ghetto no less! Boy was I scared! Thankfully, the people undid the bike rack and tossed me inside a camper they were towing.

While at Cape Henlopen, I checked all the local beaches, thinking if my friends got washed away maybe they would be beached here. I also visited the old Army bases while I was there.

Later on that year, I was invited to go to a wedding in Minnisota. During the wedding, I overheard the newly married couple talking about Bermuda. It sounded lovely. So, I devised a plan to sneek into their hotel room that night, and catch a ride in their luggage.

Little did I know, hurricane Fran, had planned otherwise. The couple really was headed to Catilina Island, off the coast of California. After the honeymoon, I stayed with the couple, thinking they may have known where my friends were. We then went to their house in Las Vegas, Nevada.

For the next 6 months, I searched high and low, in and around the Vegas area, then I got caught one day. They put me in a super small box and Fed-EX'ed me back to my real home in Pennsylvania.

The following year, I visited Long Beach Island, New Jersey. My base of operation was Manahawken. I still had yet to locate my friends.

In the same year, I went down to Wrightsville, Pa. in search of a Jeep pickup (Why? Who knows?) As the people I rode down with negotiated the deal on the truck, I searched the capital of Harrisburg, but didn't find even a clue.

In 2005, I took my quest to the Deleware Water Gap National Park, in PA. I went on various off-roading trails, going deep into the forest, thinking my friends may have gone there in search of refuge, as us gnomes are prone to doing when scared.

2006 I hit the road again going to Virgina Beach, and all points along the way. I also decided to brush up on my home safety skills, and went to help Apalachin Fire Department in New York. I got to ride in a new fire engine, to a drill which was exciting, but did not produce any of my friends.

So, since I was temporarily broke and could not afford to keep searching across country, I felt I should get a new car. Such as a 2007 Ford GT, a quarter million dollar racecar. It was a blast, to say the least. Upon going into the dealer, first of all, they didn't notice me, as I am well, short. After a bit, I managed to get an associate. How the heck am I supposed to know, since I'm a lawn ornament, that you needed a social security number, as well as have perfect credit to even get approved to buy a car. Appearently, if you have neither, you're, well, not getting it.

I decided to try to earn more money for the GT, I kept my wheels I already had and went to college. I studied Criminal Justice and Ladies 101. Ok, so I lied about the Ladies 101, but I did check out the little gnomettes. Boy, they were hot.

I wanted to spice up my adventure, so to say, by having a little fun while I was on my quest. I went to Paragon Adventure Park, in Hazelton, PA. While there, I almost rolled my vehicle by trying to do off-roading in places I was not accustomed to. I safely made it out alive, but had seen no sign of my pals.

In January of 2007, I needed a new search vehicle badly, I went up to Syracuse, NY, to find one for me. The person I hitched a ride up there with, met up with the guy who was selling his Jeep. I liked it. On the way the way back, I rode shotgun in the new Jeep, as the people I stayed with seemed quite charmed with me and were very friendly.

I ventured all over upstate New York that year, and even crossed into Canada to view the Niagra Falls. It was so beautiful.

In February, 2008, I was picked up in a little red car in New York. I found it weird because the plates on the car were from Colorado. I was rudely awakened to a horrible sound of a rooster being chased by a little black dog, who I later found out was Anzac. Luckily, he only bared the rooster's feathers off his bottom, and did not hurt it.

Once we got going, I sat in the back window starting in Ohio. We stopped at a gas station somewhere in Ohio and I tried to order a Jr. Whopper, but the camera battery died so no one knows if I really did. I took my Whopper and ate in the car next to Ohio Department of Transportation.

On my way out west, like the pioneers did, I watched the scenery change constantly, keeping a sharp eye out for motorists with gnomes in their windows that just might be my long lost buddies.

In Missouri, I visited the St. Louis Gateway Arch, the official Gateway to the West. The driver of the red car, being a blonde, was scaring my little bum off. She may have blown a red light, while we watched a replica of the White House as we drove by. She also happened to make several wrong turns and did some crazy U-turns in traffic. I was about to ask to be let out, until we got so lost they stopped and I realized it was a ghetto. I stayed in the car, not that I really had a choice as she may have been driving well over a hundred at times through Missouri.

I stopped in Kansas to use the urinal, but the attendant kept staring at me weird, like they haven't seen a lawn gnome using one ever. So I got shy and just held it in.

I was brought to Breckenridge, Colorado. It was so cold, my plastic butt about froze to death. Someone being funny, stuck me in the 4 wheel drive stick in a Ford truck. I rode around in that for a while. I looked around town but all the skiers from around the world said they had not seen my group.

I traveled west, over the Rockies, to further search for my friends. I am currently residing in Grand Junction, Colorado. I am searching all around for my pals, and this town seems a good place to look.

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