The pain in my life and what I have suffered for so long they think they
know everything about me and what's going in my life know one know's
how I feel.And what I have been through as a child and becoming a
teenager but sometimes I feel as if Iam in my own little world of pain.
But here goes the truth and what I am about to tell ya'll when I was
about 4 yearsold everything seemed as if we where all happy again.
Before I was born my mom was pregnant with a baby boy but she could
not have him she lost that baby that year my mom was on drugs before
she had any kids.And before I was born she had 3 other kids but she
still was using drugs at the time and when she was pregnant with me.
She drunk and smoked weed but she did not know she was pregnant
at the time with me intil she went into treatment to get off drugs.
And that's when she found out when I was born I weighed 1 pound and
eight ounces I was called the miracle.Baby because they didn't think
I was going to live up to full term but my mama hadme at 5 months.
But when I was 2yearsold my mom got married to a bastard who beat own
her and who beat own us kids oneday him and my mama got into a fight.
And the people next door called the cops on him and my mama and
they where gonna take us from her but our granny came and got us.
And they said we could't live with her intil she left him and
she did she got off the drugs she was doing cocaine at the time.
But when I got 4 everything was going so good intil my uncle's
ex girlfriend burned down our house he broke up with her so she got
even. Then my mama got into alot of trouble and got 5 years in prison.
When I was only 4 but that wasn't all that happend my neighbor raped
me and my cousin made me touch his private part and that was alot.
For me to handle at age 4 cause I didn't know what was going on at
that point so I blocked it all out of my head I wanted to forget.
It ever happend yeah my mama got out of prison but that still didn't
help my problem. I started popping my mama pills at the age of nine
and that's where all my problems came I already had a behavior problem.
But that wasn't why I started taking her pills it was because of what
happend to me.As a toodler growing up with that kind of pain
made me have low selfesteem the pills helped me for get I told my
mama about what happend with my cousin but not about the neighbor.
My life changed when that happend to me but the first time I ever started
taking my mama pills was when I was 8 and everything but at 10 the pills.
Got in my life they controled me at 11 I got my period I was still taken
my mama pills at the time I ranaway from home because I didn't know
how to tell.My mama what I was doing with her medicine before my travel
I took some of her pills then I left there was know way I was turning
back and going home I had to go I had to leave I couldn't face myself.
At that time in my life when I was 13 I met this boy name Chris he
made me feel like I didn't have to blame every boy because of what happend.
He made me feel like for the first time in my life I didn't have to be afraid
to love someone and that made me feel breave about myself we went together.
But I became afraid I did everything in my power to make him break up with
me.We kissed and that just took the spark there I know I was in love
with this guy.And he broke up with me but that was how I wanted it to be
I was scared of being in love because I never had that fucking feeling.
Befoe in my life and when I was 14 I started having sex with boys I didn't
know at all the 3 boys I didn't know but the 4th boy I knew him I had oral.
Sex with 4 boys one of whom was one of the boys I did something with
the other 2 I knew but the other 2 I didn't know anything about them.In my life
at this point no one meant anything to me anymore Chris did but we broke up
and a part of me wish I could go back and stop myself from having sex.
But I can't change what has already happen in my life I thought I wanted a
a kid at 14 but I was wrong my life was so fucking srewed up already
I couldn't bring a kid into this world.At my age I don't even know how to
take care of my self let a long have a baby Iam 15 now and my life is kinda
fucked up. I'm 16 yearsold now and everything feels all screwed up I miss laughing
at jokes I cant wait until school's out I met this cute boy name Deshawn he likes me.
And I like now let me tell you what happend when I turned 16 me and Chris finally slept
together it was great he was so good in bed but I the thing is I still had feelings for him.
Now in the summer of 2008 I was 16 about to turn 17 in October it was alot going on for me already
and I remember exactly what happend I went over to Chris house and we smoked some weed and we talked.
I felt good talking to him he knew I snuck over there just to see him but we didn't do anything I wanted
to he didn't and I felt I got parnoid after I left from over his house so I decided to go over my brother's ex girlfriend house.
She had kids me and her daugther were the same age me and her daugther talked for a while why I was over there and she told me that
she was about to go out in Beecher and that I could stay there with her two brother's and there two friends so I said ok I chill here.
So then this older dude come in which makes 5 boys in the house I was nervous because I never been around that many boys before and the older guy asked if
anybody wanted to put half on some gin I said yeah sure because I thought it would loosen me up but it me drunk I was drunk and two more guys showed up which made it 7 guys.
And we all smoked some weed and I passed out on the bed and while I was passed I could feel them one by one taking turns raping me and when I came to I told one of them to geet off as I
was crying and fighting for my life saying no to all of them luckly I was able to excaspe and tell a neighbor what had just happend to me and how I thought it was my fault that happend to me.
But she got in touch with my mama and we went to the hospital and the doctor said that yes I had been assault I cried I hated them I always will hate them no matter what happens I want forgive them.
For what they did to me it was wrong and I'm happy I didn't get killed after they were through raping me I remember everything it hurts so bad nobody no could no how I feel.
And when I turned 17 I ran away from and I had sex with 3 guys I didn't no of course they weren't at the same time they didn't each other I met one of them whils I was walking
and the other one while I was trying to find another ride but he was on a bike and the other guy while I was about to catch the bus home.
I wish I had never had sex with them but I was just looking for a warm place to rest my head and sleep for a while
hey you can say what ever you want to about this I don't care but I went back home were I am still living and doing good.