Gift or Curse ?
As a child I always felt that I was different from those around me . Never did I know that slight difference would change my life forever . I can only remember back to the age 14 of my life . I guess because that's when my life began to change. I remember going to sleep and dreaming as most everyone does . But my dreams seem to apply to everyday life . Sometimes a conversation between people , how things would be placed in a room , how certain people felt , and even a persons actions . At first I didn't think much about it , strange things happen everyday . But the strange things kept happening to me . Months later I would come to realize that I needed to pay more attention to the dreams I would have . I remember dreaming 3 nights in a roll about my best friend at the time . I remember seeing her face and how sad she looked . Her eyes seem to scream for help . It's was almost like a black and white movie with no sound . I could see her lips moving , but I couldn't hear anything . I felt a sadness come over me , like I was all alone .When I woke up I wasn't sure what to make of the dream , but felt that there was something wrong.
The next day we hung out together , she didn't seem as though anything was bothering her . So I went on that day pretending that everything was fine . Even though I was trying to make sense of the dream , and how it could fit into either one of our lives . That night I was almost afraid to go to sleep . I tried to stay awake as long as possible . But fell asleep any ways no matter how hard I tried to stay awake . I hear her voice this time , she told me " I’m going to get a drink of water ." This short dream seemed harmless as
well as pointless . How many times does a person say that in a day ? To many right ?
The 3rd night I remember being at ease with falling asleep . I closed my eyes and began to dream . I saw the sadness in her face again , and I heard her voice.
I saw myself holding her in my lap , rocking back and forth crying . Her skin looked so pale , and felt cold , and her eyes were closed . Never did I know what that meant , till the next night. It was the beginning of the weekend , so I asked if she could stay the night .We spent most of the night up talking about everything . And as we talked , I
could tell she was begging to get a little depressed .She stood up from the bed , and said " Im going to get a drink of water , you want anything ?" At first it struck me as odd , disavow I thought to myself , and then told her no , I was going to go to the restroom . I remember coming back to my room , and opening the door seeing her sitting cross legged on my bed trying to cram every pill she had in a bottle into her mouth .Then in those few seconds , everything came together in my head . I knew I couldn't let her do that , because I already knew how it would end . I remember her screaming " LET ME DIE DAMNIT !"I fought her down to squeeze her cheeks together with one hand . And used one finger of the other hand to dig the pills from her mouth , like you would a child choking on something . After I got the pills from her and them all put back into the bottle . I leaned against the door and slid down to sit on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs , and put my forehead against my knees , and began to cry . The question what if ? Was stuck in my head . What if I was only a few second longer opening that door ? What if I hadn't of dreamed? What if .....
The days following that one was hard to deal with . Each time I closed my eyes even though I was awake , I keep seeing that last dream over and over in my head .
And still that question What if , laid in my mind .And then the question Why ? . Why me ? Why was I the one to see these things ? Why couldn't I just be
normal ? Why ???
More events began to happen . I would dream I would be beating up and have, my head stomped into the ground by some ones foot. But by who or why, I wouldn't know .Weeks later I would be walking to a local rock and roll band concert I helped to promote and set up and would be stopped by 2 girls and beating by one girl out of jealously . Only 3 months later my grades would be so poor I wouldn't be able to attend a football game with our school band . So I would go home and fall asleep watching T.V. And dream of walking down an aisle of seats , seeing people I knew crying , and seeing a shocked looking on their faces . And a close friend of mine would be laying in the arms of his girl friend in a seat . That Monday morning I would learn that one person from our School Band would not be there for a few days due to him having a gand mall
seizer on the band bus .That person was my friend Steve. Out of the 3 years I knew him , not once did he ever mention he had Epilepsy , it was just as much shock to me as it was to everyone else who didn’t know.
I began to distance myself from everyone, sitting for hours in my room playing my keyboard, out skating, or outside punching and kicking on a homemade punching bag. Not knowing who to talk to and if I did, who would believe me? Even to myself I sounded like I was insane. No normal person I knew of would believe me. I didn’t turn to my parent because I didn’t feel as though they would understand . And thought they might even commit me to a mental ward .
It got harder everyday. Harder to sleep , harder to think straight because of lack of sleep. In a way I began to feel like I was playing God . That those I dreamed of lives were in my hands , either to save , change , or let die . Those responsibilities that came with this so called gift or curse began to wear me down . I got depressed, feeling that no one could help me , or help me understand . I remember being so depressed and wanting to just make it all stop at the age of 16 . Reaching into one of the kitchen drawers to grip a pairing knife in my right hand , placing the blade against my left wrist . wanting so badly to press down .I remember closing my eyes , trying to get the nerve to press a little harder on the knife when I saw my family crying around me .My sister whipping her eyes, screaming out my name . At the moment I knew I had to just deal with what ever I had no matter how bad it got .I couldn't do that to my own family .Things began to settle down, for months I didn’t dream anything that made since to me .
But there was something else that was happening to me that I didn’t quite know what it was at the age of 17 . I had happen to walk from my bedroom to our bathroom one day and walked around what I thought was my sister . After taking a few steps , I realized my sister was in the kitchen with my mother . I turn around and there was nothing there . The image that I walked around was a girl , around the age 5 or 7 , she had blonde hair like my sister , and was wearing a light blue dress . And I think that was what got my attention it wasn’t my sister . Because my sister rarely wore dresses . This was all I needed now . Frist I was dreaming stuff that happen and then this ? I began to believe I was going crazy.
At the age of 18 my life seemed to take another turn . I dreamed of my boyfriend cheating on me and then would leave me . And I would see that happen only a few weeks after graduateing .My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me for another girl and then started to harassing me and my family members by phone . After this, I decided it was best to live with my grandfather , my 2 aunts and cousin in Arkansas till things cooled down . This move would change everything . In the 3 months I lived there I began to learn more about myself , and that I wasn’t the only one who was gifted .
After being there only for a few weeks my cousin and I were up late watching T.V. and the phone rang. I told her it was for her . and I contiued to watch t.v. About 20 minuets later she handed me the phone as she went to the restroom . And on the other end of the phone would be a young man name Sam who would be a physic . At first not believing him , I asked him what I looked like as we spoke over the phone .His answer would be " I don't know ." And with out thinking , I would describe him down to his boots he wore to work . " I bet I can tell you what you look like " I said . "Really ? What do I look like then ?" he asked . The words just seemed to have come with out thinking . You have reddish brown hair ,blue eyes , and a go-t and a thin mustache . Your only a few inches taller them me , which would make you around 5'8 . And the boots your wearing are brown ."There was a few seconds of silence , almost as he was stunned . And the words from his mouth would be "Wow you're a physic !" I would argue with him about this matter the whole 3 months I lived there. Telling him I wasn’t, that it was pure luck that I knew that. Each time we hung out, I could feel him trying to
Figure me out, and trying to get in my head. And one day he asked me. " Why is it that I can read everyone in this room, but you? What do you do that is different?" And with honesty I said " Nothing at all."
I do believe that this young man wanted to test me since I wouldn’t tell him much about myself. I wasn’t told where we were going and why. All I know is he wanted to take us to place in the town he lived in. We pulled up to a church parking lot. I felt strange, and keep looking at this church. There was something about it that drew my eyes to it. It wasn't different then any other church on the outside. I couldn't put my finger on it .I felt this tingling sensation all over me. Almost like a cold chill, but without the shiver at the end. Just off the parking lot there was a path leading into the woods. There were 5 of us that went that day, we walked in a single file down the path for a while. Till we came to a graveyard that was grown up. I remember stopping at the first 4 headstones with a rail around them and I got this feeling, like I wasn’t wanted there. And then I got the tingling sensation again. Against my better judgment I kept my mouth shut and I leaned against rail and watched everyone walk around the graves. I remember how quite it was, other then the faint whispers of the others talking back and forth to each other. I noticed it seemed to quite, there wasn’t any birds singing, or any cricks or locuse. It was like everything was dead.
I remember the tree next to the graves would catch my eyes. It had this beautiful look to it, as well as mysteries. I got the tingling sensation over me again, it was to the point I was almost sick at my stomach. I grabbed a hold of the rail and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I could see shoes, with the laces untied, swinging back and forth in the wind. I opened my eyed suddenly took a deep breath, everything about it scared me .I told everyone we didn't need to be there and that it was time to go. I remember seeing Sam watching me, and then agreeing with me that we needed to leave. As we were walking down the path I hard turned around because everyone had stopped and Sam was on his knees holding his chest. I remember I kneeled down and asked him if he was all right. He said he was alright, and we helped him up and walked back to the car. I had asked him what happen to him back there. He told me he felt like someone hit him in his chest. As we are standing out side the car waiting for everyone to get ready to go, Sam began to talk. " You want to hear something strange? See that church over there? Awhile back a little boy was helping his dad roof the church and he fell off and died." And as he said the last line, he made sure to look at me, almost as if he knew. And he went on to say " You know this grave yard is like a hang out to some of the kids around here. There was even this kid around 16 or 17 that came out there to hang himself." I had tears in my eyes. And felt anger, since he couldn't get into my head, he wanted to try a different method by getting my reaction from the surroundings he would place me in. I kept quiet the ride home.
And I thought to myself was what he said true? Was I in fact physic? Or have some abilities in that matter? I stopped being anger and stopped asking the question why . I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and figured out that we can search for the answers to our questions , but may never find them all in ourselves or others. Some things aren’t meant to be understood. I gave myself 2 choices , to either accept it , or ignore it. Ignoring it was something I couldn’t do. It effected me to much , and effected to many lives. So I just had to accept it for what it was .
We began to hang out even more then before. I remember getting off work one evening and riding an hour to stay the night at his house with 2 other girls. I remember saying in my head how bad my legs were hurting because I was standing all day. And sure enough, he heard me. “ Legs hurting pretty bad huh?” he said. That’s when I figure it out. I keep my mind blank all those times, not thinking about things. Not about what I was going to do tomorrow or next week or even how I felt. While the rest of them had something on their mind all the time. That’s why he couldn’t read me. Some how that was the shield to not having him read me. But I found it that wasn’t always a bad thing.
I had a dream of me hitting a truck and flying through the windshield of a car. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it, I was scared, and the fact there was that small chance it wouldn’t happen. I remember the conversation with him and I one night right before I was to return home. He told me I didn’t need to go home, that there was something awful that laid ahead for me. And that I need to watch out for a white truck. But he wasn’t the only one who felt that something bad was going to happen to me. My friend Chad told me he felt if I left he would never hear from me again. And it wasn’t for the fact we would lose touch but of something bad would happen. I had only been home a month. And as I got in the car to go to work that day I put on my seat belt, which was something I didn’t do often enough. And I got 15 miles from my home stopping at a red light at a four way stop. I remember looking in the rear view mirror seeing a tan ranger coming up behind me thinking he wasn’t going to stop. And he didn’t’. The elderly man behind the wheel hit me going 65 mph. The impact from the collision made my foot slip off the brake, and when I realized I was moving I was almost in the intersection. I remember looking up and seeing the traffic start moving to my right for those turning left. I slammed on the brake and put the car in park. The first vehicle to pull out to turn was a white cab tanker truck.
It would never fully recover from my injuries of that accident. I was told I had acute spinal strain, as well as whiplash. And the damage extended from my neck to my right shoulder and both shoulder blades. I think back sometimes to that day. And wonder what would have happen if I hadn’t been stopped in front of the elderly man. Would it have changed his life, or even lost his life along with so many others that were there that day? And I think that everything happens for a reason. I think my injuries were small compared to what might have happened.
This wouldn’t be the last time he would tell me something bad would happen. I remember talking on the phone to him as my boyfriend walked through the door. I just turned 19 a few months before. And he said “ he going to hurt you.” Now I was thinking you’re out of your mind, he wouldn’t do that to me. I was thinking he was talking about physically hurting me. Little did I know he wasn’t talking about physically, but emotional. I wouldn’t come to understand that till a year later.
My parents were getting a devoiced, I had known awhile that it would happen. For many years I watched my parents grow from each other. And I had told my boyfriend that I wanted to make the 2-day trip to be there for my mom. I felt that it was something I had to do. Only days before I would leave I would have a dream. It was of my boyfriend and another girl making love. She seems so much prettier then me, having long blonde hair and green eyes. And I woke up, and got out of the bed. My boyfriend asked me what was wrong. And I paused for a few. I thought to myself what his reaction might have been if I did tell him. I came down to 3 responses. One he would say “oh honey I wouldn’t do that to you” Two, he would tell me it was just a dream. Or Three, he would get upset for me thinking he would do that. To avoid any of them, I just told him it was nothing. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should have. But then again I think, what it have made any difference? After being with my mom only 2 weeks, I called to where my boyfriend was staying. I knew he wasn’t there, but they had caller ID. So I thought I’d just let him know I was thinking about him. And unexpectly someone picked up the phone. She said “ Hello? “
And I thought for a second to myself, maybe, maybe not. No he wouldn’t. And I asked if he was there. She then proceeded to tell me “ No, but this is his girlfriend.” I wanted to cry, but couldn’t out of shock. Later I would find out she wouldn’t be the only blonde headed girl, but 2 more would follow. Over the next year there would be one over the Internet, the other he would meet at a bar while with his friends.
Shortly learning about the last blonde I found out that I was pregnant. I was only a month pregnant and I already knew the child I was carrying would be a boy. I had dreams about him and I walking down a road together covered with leaves. And a part of me felt that it would be just him and I in the future.
So now here I stand at 22 . Still struggling to figure things out for myself . Still wanting to know the answers I haven’t found yet . And sometime I have to listen to this country song just to remind me , I’m who I am and there’s nothing that I can do to change it . “Learning to live with me” by Gary Allen. “I use to wish that I was , great as any man , better then I am . Could do things no one can . And I use to wish that I was cool as I could be . But now Im learning to live with me . (Chorus) Is anybody satisfied with who they really are ?You could be the moon and still be jealous of the stars . You gotta’ learn to swim if you can’t walk apon the sea. So I’m learning to live with me. And I used to wish that I was braver then the rest , a hero nothing less . A big Duke in the west . But I know the way I am , is who I’m gonna be. So I’m learning to live with me .”