Another nightmare. The past three weeks, it was almost impossible for me to sleep all night long, without waking up in daybreak, screaming and perspiring with an awful hallow feeling on my chest.
Something passed through my collarbone. I shivered.
Just a chill, I tried to calm myself down, gazing at the open window. The old wooden shutters crackled, allowing a slight wind to seep in.
I got up, tucking myself with my white baggy satin jacket, Uncle Trevor had bought me last fall from Paris, and struggled to shut the window. Damn. It was stuck. I needed a screwdriver to cling them to the wall.
“Perfect’’, I mumbled sarcastically “ I’m gonna sleep with annoying forest noises as a lullaby’’.
I was being delirious…
I glanced at a tall pine tree nearby, which was leaning in a peculiar tilt. The gale was beating it from all sides. It reminded me images of hurricanes in South Dakota, where the storm was raging, destroying the houses into the ground.
Sighing, I withdrew in the upper side of my bed. Like I could , this way, get rid of any bad. I felt as though I was again in this foggy graveyard in Eugene.
Numb, exhausted I fought with all my fears, scratching the silky bedspread, upset, groaning. It started raining. It was as if the weather was mocking at me. I was vastly out of mind.
I was sure that my heart could be compared with a deforested rain forest…
I was trapped in a hallucination; that was all I could say, here, cramped, though I was lying in a King- sized bed. Hot sweat was running down my face despite the temperature. Vertigo, chills upside down my spine.
I lost track of time. I could count my heartbeats. Thousands of beats later my curt breath turned into grumbling. Harsh, fierce grumbling. Now, I couldn’t breathe.
Stop! I ordered myself. And the grumblings eliminated. What do you fear of? I was pathetic.
Something creped in the rear side of my head, something tenebrous.
Of course! I was nearly relieved. The enormous sorrow kicked out as soon as I figured out. It must be him!
I could sense his presence, a presence that went with a kind of ‘inside mist’, but he didn’t make me the favor and did not speak. That was good. Approximately… good…
Because, still, he had the ability to insert lust in my heart. A fraudulent one, yet it felt wonderful. No real passion existed, however I longed him.
He didn’t make any comments on these thoughts, as I expected of him. He continued leaping from side to side, nonchalantly.
Eventually, after ten very dull minutes(as I felt without my constant phobias), he whispered softly with his charming, intoxicating voice:
You must honor the dead…
Another clue! So, he was dead. That confirms my theory that he was a ghost who haunted me. But why?
My face remained indifferent, my thoughts tried a different path…
Explain, I demanded Who’s dead?
He laughed, a laughter so unworldly that I pulled away.
None. I was just admiring your filled-to-cavity with paintings of your departed clan bedroom. I made a statement… Only.
Ugh. I misunderstood, obviously although this was the most possible theory; him being a phantom.
He ‘jolted’, moving down my mind. Then, suddenly, violently, he entered my thoughts. He found a memory.
The background changed in front of my eyes…
A worried voice travelled with the mild south breeze.
“Beware, Irina! You’re gonna fall!’’
Underneath my feet was a huge dark canyon. I stepped back, closer to my mom.
“Never do this again, Irina! I was ready to drag you back by hair!’’
I sniggered. “I’ m not stupid mo’. I was just gazing at the Grand Canyon’s depth.’’
She laughed, too and embraced me “beautiful view, ugh? And the plain is so tranquil’’,
I beckoned and kissed her cheek…
The darkness of my room returned. I was crying desperately. My mom… Such a day! The day before the mortal ‘accident’ that ended her life. How ignorant I was that moment!
There’s no doubt he did it deliberately. Just to cause me pain, as he did always.
Why? My voice was husky. Why are you always doing me that? I felt my heart being torn in two.
No response. He wasn’t there. He left as a coward after hurting my feelings, not taking any responsibility.
I fainted. Nothing else was left to distract me from the pain. At least that was a form of sleep.
The next day I didn’t hear the alarm clock. I didn’t even wake up by my father’s morning noise.
“Wake up, Irina! You have to go to school!’’
I yawned sleepily, opening my eyes and moaning when the light rotated from black to white inside my lids.
I got up unwillingly. My thorough father had already picked up clothes for me. When I dressed up, I descended to the kitchen.
“What do we have for breakfast?’’ I asked in spite of the fact that I was not hungry.
“Club sandwiches from yesterday. Do you want any?”
I made a grimace in disgust. “Is there any jam?”
“Yeah’’. He shrugged.
I opened the cupboard, looking for the usual jar with jam, but instead I found a strawberry one.
“That’s berry, too’’, I assured myself.
I uncapped it easily in contrast to the other one and happily I spread the jam on a toasted bread.
I munched quietly as my father was concentrated on something.
“Look!’’ he shouted and I understood he was reading his daily newspaper. He frequently got angry when he did that. “36-year-old Man Massacres His Baby Daughter! What kind of person would do that?’’
“Maybe a mad one’’, I replied in his rhetorical question.
“Yes’’, he agreed “At least he will be prisoned for life. That’s what the Court decided.’’
I was surprised by my father’s aversion to the murderer. He liked reading whodunits and watching investigation thrillers. I thought he was used to hearing such stuff.
His favorite phrase was:
You have the right to do not speak. Everything you say will be used against you at the Court of law.
He could have become a policeman. That thought cheered me up and I went to school with good mood.
The first lesson was Biology. The lesson I was anxious about… I wanted the assignment I was given about lion’s lineage to take a satisfying mark.
I was first in line to present my project. I stood up, taking a deep breath and started with a clear, audible, confident voice:
“The lion is considered to be the king of the animal kingdom…’’
When I got into how they breed, giggles were heard. But not from the listeners, comprised by my classmates and teacher. From a ‘spirit’ inside my head.
Oh, not in my premises! Not now.
He didn’t answer. I stopped reading.
“Keep on’’, Miss O’ Nil.
So I kept reading about their sexual intercourse and more juicy information… He interrupted me.
And how is the act? You didn’t say anything about this clearly. He was laughing at me.
Shut up! I snapped out And get out of my head!
For a moment I held my breath. But he was gone. Never before was he so eager to obey my orders. That was pleasantly weird.
My project got an A᾽ so I was boasting and demonstrating at launch. Until someone shattered my dreams…
“I heard Miss O’ Nil saying to an other Biology teacher that she is not gonna give you the same mark at the end of the term due to your failure last time’’.
“That skinny bitch!’’ I swore “She and her fucking demanding curriculum are the problem! What do we care about how lions fuck themselves? Why isn’t she helping us pass the damn ‘difficult’ exams and graduate?’’
Carrie arched one of her eyebrows. “I wish you told that in front of her’’.
I’m working on it’’, I murmured without any trace of joking in my voice. I was intending to express my complaints one day.
The ‘mist’, unexpectedly, came again. I repined. He wasn’t going to give up!
Brave girl, he approved I thought you were a vegetable. I’m starting recalling…
What changed? I required abruptly You usually show up at night, steeling away my sleep. Are you, from now on, gonna ‘visit’ me at school?
He couldn’t hold his laughter. Oh, yeah. And not only.
I felt like I could throw up that exact moment. This sentence might have not been fundamental to him, however for me indicated trouble and sleepless nights on the row. I tried to allot the benefits from the drawbacks of this situation but disadvantages were all I could find. Nothing good.
You’re insulting me, he grizzled invading in my thoughts, ‘abusing’ them. Am I so bad?
Yeah! I didn’t hesitate. I felt my brain like piece of pulpy thing, where he could eat away my sanity, and make it his place by dumping everything he didn’t want. I wasn’t going to let him chase away my nomination in my own head!
As you wish, she mumbled and went off. I felt vacant. I was an inmate of his power. I knew he could make me do whatever he wanted. I was just a petty girl, a toy of him.
When I finished school I went to overhaul the computers in the Computer Lab, as I did once a month.
“This one can only be used in Safe Mode’’ I informed the Computer teacher “It needs an engineer’’.
“We don’t have the money’’, she opposed me.
“Find then’’, I turned back “I can’t do anything. I’m just a student
He stared at me neurotically “But…’’
I raised my hand. “Save your breath Mrs. Bloom. There’s nothing I can do’’.
Her irritated look showed I was being insolent. She turned around and left on her posh velvet pip-toes.
I went to the parking lot, running, using up all my energy in order to piss on. But when I got there I froze. Someone had parked right in front of my car, preventing me from leaving. This was doing nothing for my nerves!
Something caught my eye. I knew this Porsche! It was Carrie’s.
Watch your interactions, that’s what my mother had always been saying. And now I understood her perfectly.
I was so angry that I wanted to get Carrie and drown her in one of the school’s fountains. This was a horrible thought, thought that moment I thought it was hilarious.
After a quarter Carrie, finally, appeared. I approached her.
“Why did you park like this?’’ I tried to keep my voice in normal levels.
She frowned “Sorry, I didn’t mean to, but I arrived late and besides the fact I had nowhere to park, my lesson had already started and you know how such a shrew is Mrs. Bloom’’.
Indeed. I had faced that ten minutes ago.
Okay with my nerves. Now completely joyful- after a very amusing gossip conversation with Carrie- I was driving home. I was chanting the Sweet Dreams of Eurethmics a shot inside my head discontinued me.
Did you miss me, Madame?
Not again. Not now. Not here.
My head ached. I felt like I was going through a migraine.
There wasn’t just that. A strong pain in my heart and it was like it stopped pounding and shrank. An outside power was directing me now and I lost control of my car.
It started spinning round, striking other cars and vehicles. Blasphemies were yelled.
“Shit’’, I said, wrapping my arms around the steering wheel, my foot on the brake.
Hoping that I hadn’t run over anyone, I pulled over. I felt something aberrant under the right front wheel.
“A pebbly!’’ I ascertained. I got off my car immediately. Fortunately, there was nothing under the wheel, just the crummy asphalt was curving in an inconclusive way. I sighed, got in and accelerated. While I was speeding off his voice echoed in the enclosure of the car.
Stop! he requested, growling Do you hear me? Do what I said!
No! I refused. I was too stubborn to see the truth; that he could enforce me.
He said nothing. I felt a hit in my chest. I screamed.
Do it! he insisted
No! Big tears left my eyes. I stalled the car. Anyway, it was already under his control of me.
Good girl, he said pleased and the landscape outside my car became blur. The peak on the horizon was only a big black smudge… Now I want you to forget that you are in an avenue and focus on me.
I focused on his voice in repulsion. My eyes, contrariwise, were fixed on the fold of my jean. It also changed pattern…
I was chained…
Put off your top.
What? I gasped
I had no other choices. I roosted in the back of my seat, still my hand on the steering wheel like I was vitally bounded with it. My other hand lifted my shirt. I released it.
Good. I knew he wanted to say more. His voice was low. Your pants.
I didn’t resist. In a minute I was just with my underwear.
His breath was cut. He made a sound as though he was masturbated.
Who are you? I asked. I was surprised by my courage what do you want from me?
He let his mind wander. He illuminated a cold pale finger caress my thigh, going towards my hip. I ended this imagination with a loud:
“You are sick!’’
I’m a masochist, he responded, his voice bitter.
Really? And, by chance, you haven’t introduced yourself, great altruist. Whom I have the honor to… almost… intimate with?
He chuckled. This time not coldly, but irresistibly. You did what I wanted. Why are you pouting now?
Yes, I did. Against my will, however, I remarked And that was not even my point. I asked you’re name.
My name? That made him strangely skeptical. He shifted uncomfortably. Do you mind if I don’t acknowledge that now?
Yes, I do! You can’t have the cake and eat it. Whatever you think, I’m not a doll. You can’t exert your will on me about everything.
I’m afraid of what feelings my name may create to you, he declared
If you worried about my feelings, you wouldn’t do all these, I snarled remembering the memory he had made me live again the night before.
We can’t uphold every rule.
I don’t care! What’s your name, Nelson Mandela?
Maybe it’s Nelson Mandela? He suggested laughing at my complicated query.
Oh, come on. What are we playing of? Cat and mouse? I’m not half-naked here only for you to be delegated! Who are you?
Close your eyes, first.
I did so. A cold chill hanged over my ear and an eerie song was murmured:
I took what you value most
A son, expatriated, with no host
Targeted all my life
Pathetically destructive at five
Diluted and impaired
A hit of déjà vu knocked me. Two onyx eyes got into my peripheral vision
“You are the one who killed my mom and then committed a suicide!’’ Oh, my gosh! What the fuck?
I told you, he whispered You do not like what you’ve learnt, are you?
You’re right; I don’t.
The whole world darkened. Haunted, broken… Words to describe how I felt.
I was mad. I didn’t know what I was doing. Afterwards, I was full of guilds. I couldn’t stand that much longer. Thus, I took a gun and fired… It was like he was trying to apologize.
I felt like dying. And why? Why did you came, after?
I didn’t know it was you until yesterday when I saw the memory… he explained I wanted a host. To feel invincible by conquering something. You were- and still are- the prettiest and most blissful I could find. It would feel nice if I harnessed a person like you. But you remain initiative… It’s a pity.
I ruminated for a moment. And why did you make me long you?
A smile in his voice. That was to conquer you more easily. But now…
He didn’t complete his sentence. Two pendulous soft lips kissed my chin. A hand grabbed my bra.
“No’’. I pushed the hand but left the lips untouched.
He was kissing me passionately. Now on my lips. They may have not been real, but I could feel the fire they lit up. Flames on my face. A blast of passion and every cell of my body was burning.
The lips ended the kiss after twenty very hot seconds. I tried to breathe again.
My panty was pulled down…
I don’t want to.
He disappeared again. He was torturing me by leaving and turning back all the time. I was dizzy of that.
I drove back home. Everything was peaceful and silent whenever I was alone.
As soon as I entered, I turned on the central computer, unplugging the laptop- that was forever ‘decorating’ my desk. I felt like writing a story; the central computer had a better Microsoft Office Word.
The story talked about a suicide, which a young girl- my age- almost committed, in the woods. Her family’s indifference and ruthlessness had led her there. Unfortunately- for her, a… vampire had gone prowling that night. And saved her from staking a knife in heart, fighting with his thirst for blood. They fell in love- of course-. Sadly, the girl died when a werewolf attacked her…
I wrote this story with a view to emphasize the bright (or dark) side of every creature.
I skimmed it quickly correcting any errors, it might had. The result was great.
“Scrumptious’’, I congratulated myself.
“Irina, we’re home!’’. My Father’s voice accompanied by a bark, coming from the doorway.
I ran downstairs and hugged my dad.
He snickered. I bowed down and caressed Daisy’s furry.
She looked at me with her huge chocolate eyes and dribbled.
“Yuck!’’ I called out but smiled.
I glared at my father’s tired expression. “What’s going on?’’
“Nothing just the gearbox of my Chevy broke down again’’.
“It’s time this ancient tacky contraption you call a car leave the world’’.
His eyes narrowed. He didn’t like my opinion about his old Chevrolet which aged about a century (!) and soon would live us for good. He couldn’t accept it.
I woke up at about 3 o’ clock that night… not screaming… Because the… dream I saw was different…
This time I was in a forest, not far from home. This forest was familiar to me. It was dangerous, so dad never let me go there without an adult’s and a… gun’s supervision. Now I was in an aspect I didn’t know. A very dark one which did latent danger. Although it was heavily raining, I didn’t search for a shelter to protect myself. I stood there, frozen like a statue, anticipating for something
Who are you waiting for? A light voice asked with a trace of real interest and not politeness.
For you. I retorted, my hand on the top button of my shirt. You are late.
The rain felt wrong, pressing my skin. It was like acid, wounding me.
I didn’t mean to, he claimed Something came up.
I didn’t bother with wondering what. I quickly undid the buttons of the cotton shirt and let it fall.
Whoa! He exclaimed.
I liked the fact that I could switch him on… That showed he desired me as I desired him…
The mental kiss he gave me then was like a bonfire between his lips and mine… Nothing more than the whole world…