A trip to Panera | By: Zack Molina | | Category: Short Story - Comedy Bookmark and Share

A trip to Panera

A trip to Panera Bread
They have this really awesome sandwich called the Italian combo. They recently changed their bread to this odd white dusty stuff. It used to be this really delicious hard French/Sourdough roll stuff. It was the kind of bread you had to bite with the side of your mouth because it was so hard. If you bit it with your front teeth all the stuff would fall out on your shirt. But, that’s what napkins are for. So, back to why I like Panera bread. Whenever I end up there, somehow, I almost always order the same thing (as follows).
Actually, I’ll make it in dialog.
You, the reader, will be the cashier and ask me all the questions.

Ok, here we go. You ready? Ok.
One last thing, your dialog will be green. Mine will be red. Ok. Ok? Ok.

YOU >“Good afternoon and welcome to panera bread. Do you know what you would like to order yet?”

ME >“Ummm, can I get an Italian combo with everything?”

“Sure. Anything else?”

“Yeah, can I get that on a sourdough hogie roll?”

“Sure; and to drink?”

“I’ll take one of these Jones sodas.” (They’re in a stand in front of the register)

“Is that all?”

“Uhhh, yep.”

“For here or to go?”

“For here.”

“And what name would you want your order under?”

“Zack, please.”

“Ok, Zack, your order will be called over the intercom in a couple minutes.”


Ok, now that my order is in, it’s story time!!!!!!!

I pick up my receipt, my jones soda, and left over money. I walk down to the end to the counter and see what the person before me ordered. Eww!!!!! (bacon turkey bravo with jalapeños and on tomato basil. *GAG*)
~authors note- that description was from my own personal opinion.~
I’d rather not stay to see what soup they ordered.
Whoa! Out of the corner of my eye I see a platter of samples. I quickly imagined that they were the hazelnut bagels with that creamy frosting stuff. Okay, that’s not the way it happened; just they way it should’ve been. I actually heard someone say they were good. It just sounded better the way I said it.
Well anyway, I walked over and picked up a piece. The knives for the frosting looked icky, so I got my own. I thought I’d savor the moment so I verrrrrrrrrryyyy, very, slowly continued to get a glob of it on my little plastic knife. The inches went by. I was goin’ and goin’ until……..

Zack! Your order is ready!

Hooolllllllyyyyyy Crap! I flinched so fast that the piece of bagel just flung out of my hand and into someone’s (just ordered) bowl of soup. Ok, I’ve got to hurry before they get back from the bathroom (thank you God!). Umm, I’ll try to fish it out with a spoon. I grab one, and set the frosting knife on their plate……………. WAIT A SECOND!!!!! ON THEIR PLATE!?!?!?!!?? A quick double-take assures me that it’s not on the plate; but on the pickle. Oh great. Here I am, spoon in hand, crouched over someone else’s soup, staring blankly at a white, smeared pickle, while you see the corner of a piece of bagel poking out of the soup like the titanic in mid-sink or a shark swimming through the broccoli and cheese canal.
Oh jeez, well I can’t quite go through the whole decision making process, seeing as I have just heard the click of the bathroom lock. It catches my attention and I shoot a quick look over to the bathrooms, to see the door slowly, slowly open up. I still can’t see the object behind it. Out of nowhere a little 5 year old walks out of the bathroom. Well, it was more of a skip because he’s eating at panera, right. Everything’s more jolly at panera. Well, I make up my mind and scoop the bagel quickly out of the soup. Little do I know, that same five year old is still standing in front of the bathroom door. I hear the bathroom door slam and I look up. The five year old was followed by a full grown, Harley riding, wrestler looking, army sergeant, who could drown me just like that piece of bagel. Oh man. Ok, Zack, Think Fast!!! Well, I drop to the seat and then roll to the ground. Then I commando crawl out from under the table, get into the walkway, stand up, and sweep myself off. Whew, now THAT, was something to tell my kids. That is, if I’m still alive after leaving here. Hang on, what was I doing here again? (GASP)! My sandwich!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I need to taste the paradise in my mouth once again. I can’t live without It’s luscious taste available in my life! I am calling to my true love;……………….. Ok…… that was odd. Well, I catch my breath and go up to the counter acting as Rico Suave as I can. Thank you, Derek for the convenience of a beautifully made Italian Combo laying on the far side of the counter with the name Zack on the receipt. I grab it, and decide I’d probably be safer outside. Eww, there’s bird poo on 76% of the table, except for one. It was like in the movies when everything gets dark and one ray of light just shined down on it. It gives someone a feeling of accomplishment. For me, it was finally getting what I came for and not getting trampled by The Hulk during this whole process. I sit down and everything just fits. I’m eating the most wonderful thing in the world,(don’t worry mom, It’s healthy), I’m at the best table in the place, there’s a piece of bagel sitting in a lady’s purse in front of me, ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Oh My God!!! A PIECE OF BAGEL IN THE PURSE OF THE LADY IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh crap. Ohhhhh crap. I have become paralyzed from the legs down, but, my hands are still clamped on the ginormous (giant+enormous=ginormous) sandwich, which pretty much balances me out. Well, seeing as how I have no idea where she (hopefully) is, I might as well try and squirm over there to get it back. Well, lets go. Ok, I’m reaching into the purse , and …. “HEY KID!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PURSE!!! OH MY GOD SOMEONES IN MY PURSE!!!!!!” Ok, by this time I should’ve called my relatives and told them what kind of coffin I want, cause chances are I’ll be in one soon. I freeze up, and I’m not movin’ for crap. Well I guess I better flow with it and just tell her the truth.
“Excuse me ma’am, is this your purse?”
“ I’m sorry but I wanted to tell you that you have a piece of bagel in your purse, and I thought that I would get it out for you.”
“ I really am sorry. You just had a piece of bagel in your purse and being kind I wanted to get it out for you.”
“Wait here a moment, please.”
She starts to scavenge through her purse checking for missing items. Oh, man. A bird just landed on my table. I can’t really describe what happened next, but it was like a natural reaction to grab the sandwich and run. And that’s what I did. I grabbed and ran. I ran and I ran and I ran all the way to Iran, practically. I busted into the street dodging cars back forth all the way across. Little did I know that I dropped my pickle and I have an angry mob behind me. Even without an angry mob, I ran; I ran like a, well, 14 year old dodging cars, carrying a sandwich. I didn’t notice the mob until I noticed I forgot my soda. I looked back, and saw the lady who’s purse I was in, (from the corner of my eye I notice a ski-masked man excavating around I it; you would’ve thought she’d learn her lesson by now. Oh yeah, she’s a blonde. Coincidence? No.), the person who was with her, some noble man who wants to take me down so he can get attention, and some stranger wearing a “Save The Whales!” shirt. No sign of Arnold Schwarzenegger, luckily. Whoa, lost focus and nearly got trampled by an F150! I figure I’ll jump into the Starbucks ahead, and pull another movie stunt, the hide in the from the bad guys in the bathroom. One of my favorites, personally.
Click Here for more stories by Zack Molina