-------- I do. I understand but time will change everything... everything. You will learn to love our child. Learn to share the love.”
Nisha turned and stared straight into Darren's brown eyes. Share? she questioned. Haven’t I shared enough all this years? Haven’t I shared everything in my life? NO Darren . NO. Tears were rolling down her eyes since just now and it hasn’t stopped. She remembered her childhood, being a teenager. Growing in the orphanage never gave her chance to complaint. She was expected to be a good girl by sharing her food, her things. The attention she got was shared. She hated to share.She wasn’t important to anyone. Nisha grew with the urge to be important to someone. The only important one to someone. She didn’t want to share . That was her point. She doesn’t want to share anything with any one. She knew she was selfish but she felt it wasn’t wrong. Nisha could clearly remember the day her mother left her there. Leaving her there was taking all she had in life off her. A mother’s love, security, warmth .everything. Nisha felt that she wasn’t important to her mother, father or anyone and didn’t mean anything to anyone too .Nisha held on and she pulled her self together and got on with life. She started to lead a life in her own world. She didn’t want anyone there to share it. Nisha cried each and every night of her life feeling unimportant and feelin lonely. But still she stood on her legs and got on with life.
Nisha grew up sharing, Nisha became what she wanted to be, a doctor. She did have friends but never a true one. She always had blamed her fate for it. Till one fine day, a guy called Darren walked into her life and gave her all the love she needed and even more as days came by. Nisha never knew any happiness in her life before that, like that. He swept her of her legs and went to live together in her world. She was the most important thing in his life. Love was in the air until storm striked her world once more. She was pregnant. She was on top of the world. She was so happy about the small life growing in her. The news made Darren even happier. They both when shopping for baby clothes and discussed about names for their baby. Everyday Darren would call her at the hospital to ask about the baby, whether she was feeling fine or not, did she take the vitamins or not. This went on and on everyday.And then one day… Nisha went to work. She had to prepare for an 8 hours open heart surgery tomorrow. She was using the stairs because the lift was under repair and her phone rang. She just knew it was Darren's call. Her instincts never lie. She immediately searched for her phone when she missed a step and fell. She remembered a sharp pain on her legs. She found herself in the hospital. Darren was not beside her. She saw her ankle wrapped up. A middle aged Chinese nurse was beside her. She informed her that the hospital authority have informed Darren. She was about to call Darren when he came in the room panting “How is the baby?” Nisha was shocked ,speechless. The baby? She felt a familiar feeling….. the feeling of unimportance . No . “That can never be” she told her self. “The baby is perfectly alright but the mother has sprained her ankle .” answered the nurse , gave an assuring smile and she walked out of the room.
A few friends came and visited Nisha. She dismissed those thoughts of her mind until the doctor came to visit . The doctor asked Nisha if she wishes to stay much longer but Nisha refused. She told that she is fine. Darren insisted that she stayed on for a few days. She agreed. She knew he loved her too much. The doctor left and Nisha fell asleep. She was feeling thirsty when she woke up to hear Darren telling his sister “I was so worried about the baby, I asked her to stay here a few more days so that the doctor could do a thorough check up. I just don’t understand how she could be so clumsy being four months pregnant”. She felt the world crush on her. Darren was saying that he was worried about the baby and she hasn’t heard anything about herself. It’s a very familiar feeling…. She is no more important to Darren. This small life in her was sharing her life.
Suddenly, her happiness of becoming pregnant was gone. All. She felt empty. She couldn’t take it. She was sharing again. She was sharing her love. She doesn’t want to. She wanted Darren all for herself. Darren’s aunty came to see her bringing some herbal soup…good for the BABY. The baby again? Nisha couldn’t stop her tears anymore. There, she just fell back in to her past once again. The baby in her wasn’t a pleasure anymore it was more of a ……………………….. .
The next day, she was allowed to go home. She no longer was excited about the baby and anytime when anyone says anything about the baby she gets irritated and angry. Darren was the one who has mostly changed. The baby to her has stolen everything in her life. Her husbands love, attention and everything. She started hating the feel of the baby inside her. She was jealous of the baby. She hated the baby for stealing everything from her. THE BABY. That’s when she realized. It wasn’t “the baby” it was “HER BABY”. She was jealous of her own baby and hates her own baby. What kind of a mother is she? She reminded her of her mother. She was becoming her mother. She hates her own baby because of her past. A mother is jealous of her own unborn baby. She cried ashamed of her feelings.
She then spoke to Darren heart to heart. Darren, I don’t want to have this baby . I feel that the baby is taking everything away from me like my mother did. I’m jealous of my own baby. I hate the baby in me for none of its fault and because of my past. It’s my fault all my fault, but I cannot stop feeling it. I cannot. I’m afraid I might hate the baby when he or she is born. That is going to be another me, Danny. I’m not going to bring another life to this world and let it suffer like me. Please Darren. Please try to understand. I know what this baby means to you but please………please… Don’t make me hate my own baby please… Please.
Darren spoke out of shock and dismay. What are you trying to say? Why such decision? We both love the baby don’t we? Nisha, you just decided to kill your flesh and blood , my flesh and blood, our flesh and blood. Can't you give it a second thought?
Nisha was crying her heart out. “ I love my baby, Darren. I love MY baby.I don’t want to hate my baby. I don’t want to hate my baby. Help me Darren. I need your help. ”she fell crying on the floor , very near Darren’s feet.
-------------- “Ill call the doctor in the morning” he slowly said and carried Nisha who was crying on the floor when his own tears were flowing. Still his lips shaped a smile and his eyes looked into hers… I love you more than anything, Nisha. ANYTHING. It meant.