Truth Be Told
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I stand before y'all today as an innocent man.
I'm gonna be honest with y'all...I've made some mistakes. But who ain't? Nobody's perfect, and I sure as heckfire ain't claimin' to be nothin' near the state of perfection. But I am an honest man! And so I'm gonna be honest. The truth shall set me free.
For example: on the night in question, December the Eighteenth, I did drink a bitta alcohol. That ain't breakin' no laws, last time I checked! If I wanna purchase six thirty-packs of Keystone Light and drink 'em all by myself at the bottom a' my empty swimmin' pool, that ain't wrong! Heck naw! And if I wanna pour rubbin' alcohol through a coffee filter, and funnel the drippings into my open mouth, that ain't breakin' no laws neither!
It's how I unwind after a long day of drivin' schoolbuses, y'all.
Juror #6, you eyeballin' me?
And ok, I will be honest, on the night in question, December the Eighteenth, maybe there's the possibility that I shot someone. But he was on my property, y'all, so I was well within my legalities to do it! Plus my brain was still hazy from all that rubbin' alcohol that I drank! The sunnavabitch just jumped outta the shadows, pointin' his gun at me, screamin' an yellin'! I thought he was a prowler!
Only later on did I learn that he was not a prowler, but was actually my father-in-law.
Juror #6, you'd best quit eyeballin' me, or bad things will happen.
You do not plan a surprise party for someone with post-tramatic stress! He popped outta that closet like a fuckin' jack-in-the-box, and I swear to baby Jesus I thought he was a prowler! That birthday cake he was wavin' around looked like a shotgun! Who buys a cake that looks like a shotgun? He was practically asking to be shot six dozen timeswith a high-powered hunting rifile, which I may or may not have done.
Goddamn it, Juror #6, you better thank your lucky stars that I'm bound at the wrists and ankles! I'd take pleasure in guttin' you, boy!
As I was saying...
I've made some mistakes. But who ain't? Nobody's perfect, and I sure as heckfire ain't claimin' to be nothin' near the state of perfection. The truth shall set me free.