The Product | By: Kevin C. Pearce | | Category: Short Story - Comedy Bookmark and Share

The Product


“Tell me and our studio audience and the folks at home how this product worked for you.”

“Well, to begin with I lost 178 pounds in my first month using it. All the moles and freckles on my face and body disappeared. All the mutilation scars on my arms and legs that I had because of depression BEFORE I found out about this product healed up perfectly. When I was a young child I was burned very badly over forty percent of my body. Those terrible scars and memories are gone. I suddenly have a beautiful tan on my whole body. My skin is absolutely flawless. I have no hair in unwanted places. To put it simply: I used to be ugly and now everything about me is beautiful. This product worked in every possible area of my life. Did I mention that it cured my lung cancer? I’m now back to smoking a pack a day and I feel amazing. I feel so good that when I’m out and about people smile at me and I feel like BITING THEIR HEADS OFF. But in a good way. A gentle way. Because they really don’t know how ignorant they really ARE. This product proves that there is a God and if the Devil wants back into my life he better bring a serious arsenal of weapons because I will fuck him up. Simple as that. I don’t fuck around with mediocrity anymore. All I can say is USE THIS PRODUCT. My life is perfect and yours can be too. Did I mention that all my missing teeth grew back? My smile is blinding in its beauty. Everybody I know is completely jealous of me and that makes me feel fucking terrific. My epilepsy and diabetes are a thing of the past. Also, my vision is perfect…no more glasses. I used to cry myself to sleep. Now I LAUGH myself to sleep. My self-esteem has improved so drastically that I no longer feel lonely. EVER. It’s like I’m just starting to get to know myself and holy shit am I ever an AMAZING PERSON. I could go on and on. You will not be disappointed with this product. It made my life worth living and it can do the same for you. ”

“Well, there you go folks. It doesn’t get any better than this. Unbelievable. I love this woman. By taking our product she has found new life. I would fuck her without a rubber and I’m a married man. I take the product as well and look at me…I realized my dream of hosting an infomercial. Ever since I was a kid that’s been my burning ambition. What else can be said? God bless and send us your money. Whether your life needs a passive fondle or a solid uppercut. You won’t be disappointed.”
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