Dearest People... | By: Sabrina Bianca Zene | | Category: Short Story - Self Realization Bookmark and Share

Dearest People...

I just want you to know that I am free now. My soul is blissfully pleased, wherever it may end up. I'm sorry I left you. I had to. My mind is too unhealthy. I could ignore so much hurt, so much pain. Dad, I'm not going to say this wasn't your fault- if you want to place blame no, blame yourself, and me. I wasn't as strong as we both thought I was. I'm afraid. I’m afraid of ending my life like this. I had no potential. I wasn't going to "be" anything. Other than a huge, deserved, drain on this "corrupt society and a pain in the ass. You have always told me how much you loved me. I don't know what the means. You tried so hard to understand me and talk to me when I snapped. You didn't know I was suicidal, you couldn't help the fact that I was so closed off from the world, so smothered I was mentally unstable. I had an eerie emotional breakdown once. I sat in a room next to the open window on a still summer's night. I sat, huddled, rocking back and forth repeating to myself, over and over again, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Why is it I’m so mean and shallow? I was a nicer, sweeter person than you knew. You never saw the really me. You didn't what kind of truly amazing, funny, easy-going, open-minded and talented person I was. I was too afraid to express anything around you I knew I'd only receive disapproval. I can't wait to be free. - Don't worry, I'll make sure that I do this the "right way" or maybe just the way you would’ve done it. I'm sorry, but the world doesn’t revolve around you. I was a human being too. I deserved more respect than I had ever received from you. I respected you highly, I looked up to you, and sometimes down upon you. I'm sorry we never obtained the relationship you aimed for. But there was so much you didn't know about me. For instance: I bet you didn't know the real reason why I didn't go to bed, or fall asleep when you wanted me to was because my mind was so active, the voices in my head wouldn't shut the hell up long enough for me to fall asleep. I've been through way too many sleepless nights. I bet you didn't know how much of a great, awesome athlete I was. Every time I went out, I was skateboarding with my friends. Every weekend I went to the beach, I spent hours surfing. I was great at virtually everything. I bet you didn't know about my flamboyant, intriguing personality. People loved me; they worshipped the ground I walked upon. They valued me, liked me for who I was. I don't know why you never thought much of me. I wasn't the huge loser you made me out to be, I did things to the best of my ability. When I thought I did something well, I was proud of myself. But I was afraid no matter what it was I did; it wouldn't meet your impeccable, military standards. I never understood why you always though I was out to get you, or hurt you. I only wanted to make everyone around me happy. But I know I couldn't. No matter what I did. Even if I stayed in school, graduated with a 3. whatever and became the Fireman you wanted me to be, it wouldn't do a damn bit of good. I know what I wanted, but you didn't care. For some whacked out reason, you believed I wasn't a person. You believed I had no opinions, no goals, ambitions, and dreams. You wanted me to do things your way. I wanted to do things my way. At least I got to decide how the terror ended. I bet you didn't know how much of an amazing voice I had. People loved hearing me sing to them. Please be nice to my little sister. She's a good girl. She means a lot to me. The only reason I didn't do this earlier was for her. I wanted to make sure that she would be all right alone here. I hope she is. I'm sure she will be. Don't ruin her. She’s so smart and pretty. It's not your fault I was driven off the deep end- Dad, you always tried to bring everything upon yourself for things that were obviously my fault and you blamed me for things I obviously just couldn't help. I hope you realize I shuddered every time you came home from work. Just because I was afraid. I knew what to expect every time. Don’t worry; I'll make sure that everything is clean before I leave. Funny how things seem so understandable and clear now. There are very few things I will actually miss. This is the most selfish thing I have ever done. But I feel this is the one and only way I can be free. I can free myself without asking your permission to take my own life. No, I’m going to "Hell” for this. I don't even believe in all of your Christianity bullshit. I was Wiccan. Nothing to be ashamed of. I loved the Goddess, and she loves me. I'll be perfectly protected wherever I go. I had no predestined path laid out for me. I decide what happens to me. You people no longer have to worry about me, or me fucking anything up anymore. I'm sorry I failed you all. But don’t feel left out, you all contributed to the unthinkable. The people I’m most sorry to, myself, and my sister. They needed me to be there for them, I’m sorry.
Click Here for more stories by Sabrina Bianca Zene