I Must Know
5a.m and the buzzer on my bedside table rings in my ear signalling me to begin my day. I drew back the bed covers and walked to the bathroom. I switched the exhaust fan on and the light as well. I stepped into the shower and moved away from the water. I turned the hot water on and waited for it to heat up. With the correct temperature flowing onto my toes I began my shower. Whilst enjoying the soothing effects of the shower the phone began to ring. I reached for my towel and headed for the phone with the towel around my waist. I picked up the phone. It was my better half. My wife. The only person important to me in the entire world. Jane, my wife had arranged for us to have lunch at an Italian restaurant to celebrate our fourth anniversary. We were set to meet at 12:30pm today. I gathered some clothes from the wardrobe and got dressed.
On the road into town I encountered a coffee shop that looked very classy. I stopped and ordered a coffee. It was great. The service was very good and the place was very silent and calm. There was one waitress there, one with a good figure, fit for a modelling job. Her attire was the same as every other in the shop. She was beautiful; she stood out from the others. There was something about her that I didn’t understand. She made me feel good. Not in a sexual way. She was the type of person that was soon to make a difference to the world. That must have been what made me so interested in her.
After five coffees I removed my wedding ring and asked the girl over and asked her for her name. Her name was Chloe. She asked my name. She was almost equally interested in me. I said Jerry. My real name was Philip. I asked Chloe what she was doing after her shift. She said that she was getting off in half an hour and she wasn’t doing anything. I invited her to a lunch. A lunch at a fine hotel in the city.
I met Chloe at the hotel and we ate together. She ordered chicken. I had a steak. As we were eating I looked over to Chloe and noticed a cute glittering in her eyes. She looked at me and smiled. Chloe leaned over the table and kissed me on the cheek and grinned like a child that had just received a large lolly. I wasn’t ready for that. I mean, I was married. I had a wife whom I loved more than anything in the world. Damn, I had completely forgotten all about my wife, Jane. She was waiting for me. It was one O’clock p.m. now and I am completely late for my lunch with my wife. There was nothing I could do. The only thing I could possibly do is apologise to her tonight with flowers and a candle lit dinner.
Chloe became full and was tired of food and I could sense she wanted to go to a room for the night. I agreed for some demented reason. The same reason a child would say that they could fly an aeroplane. We got a room on the third floor and took the elevator up to our room. Number eight on this floor. Just as I closed the door behind us, Chloe through me onto the bed and demanded that I get undressed. I didn’t want this. I loved only my wife. Why did I come here? Chloe left me and disappeared behind the bathroom door. She was getting ready. Ready for what. I couldn’t do anything. I love my wife. Was I ready? Could I know how to do it? Would I know what to do when I finished? I was confused. I wasn’t ready for this. All I wanted was to have some fun and now this. Could I go ahead with it or would I fail under pressure? I must try. I must.
Chloe returned from the bathroom and she looked even more beautiful with her hair fully extended and flowing around her shoulders. She was beautiful. But I loved my wife. She jumped onto the bed and onto me. I pushed her off me and I got on top of her. She was excited and I was uneasy. How could I do this? I love my wife. Would she hate me for this? Yes, of course she would hate me for this. Chloe removed her robe that was supplied by the hotel and revealed her lacy black lingerie. She was beautiful. And I loved my wife. Could I do this to my wife, or myself?
I had decided. I will. She is so beautiful and she seemed to be very successful. I will do this, but I apologise to my wife. I love her. She is the most important person to me. But all that aside, I must do this, there is too much desire in my body and too much will, to deny myself this.
Chloe, lying under me, reached and removed her bra. She was ever so beautiful but I still loved my wife. I hope she could forgive me for this. I slid my belt buckle off and removed my belt from my pants. Chloe smiled and licked her lips for me. I took the belt and placed it under her neck. Chloe moved to take off my pants as I began to tighten the belt. She looked at me with question. I stared back with hollow eyes. Not a word was spoken. Not a sound was made as the life from the young girl escaped and flew away into oblivion. I felt nothing. Was this all I was to receive.
Half an hour later, staring at the limp body, I felt nothing. Am I so heartless that the death of someone would not bother me? Does a heartless man deserve to live? Do I deserve to live? Sadly enough the only answer I could come up with was no. I opened the window and leaned out holding onto the water drainage pipe. I love my wife. I hope she can forgive me.
For a long time now I have wondered what it would be like to commit a crime. Not just any crime, Murder. How would my mind react to the crime I had committed? What thoughts would run through my mind and would I like it? Murder has confused me for a long time now and it is finally over. I now know. Nothing could be worse. I do not wish I never did it. That is because I would always ask these questions.
By Luke Buttigieg 7th February 2000